Parivaar Wars

Rohan JoshiThere lived a little boy named Robert. When people asked Robert what he wanted to be when he grew up, Robert said “strange-looking, like Arjun Rampal got all the fun sucked out of him by a vacuum cleaner, and then stuck a Chihuahua to his face”. Thanks to genetics, Robert achieved this goal rather early in life, and this left him hungry for further achievements. But more on that later.

In another part of India, lived another little boy named Arvind. When people asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, he said “I have proof that you are involved in an ageing scam that robs people of their youth” and had them arrested. Luckily for Arvind, his potential was noticed by a man named Anna, who was rather like Master Yoda, from Star Wars. (NOTE: Amazing prequel idea #1; Film about Anna flogging Han Solo for drinking)

Star wars: The documents Arvind uncovered put him directly into the path of an operative of the Empire called Darth Vadra. Illustration/ Amit Bandre

Anna trained Arvind in the ways of the Force, teaching him how to withstand hunger for days on end, and to be stoic in the face of horrifying things like political pressure and Jar Jar Bedi. Except then one day, Arvind decided he wanted to take on the dark side of the force, and do direct battle with the Empire, a dastardly political outfit that operated out of the hollow in Digvijay Singh’s skull. Master Anna was displeased at this development, and decided to part ways with Arvind. When asked for an official statement on the matter, Arvind said “I’m just mad I didn’t get a lightsaber.”

However, he soon got over his disappointment when he looked into his book of horrible metaphors realised that a lightsaber is but a sword, and the pen is mightier than the sword. So he used a pen, and the Force (also known as the “law”) to file an RTI application about illegal land deals. Except the documents he uncovered put him directly into the path of an operative of the Empire called Darth Vadra. (NOTE: AMAZING prequel idea #2: Film about Arnab Goswami holding up documents, screaming at audience until someone has a stroke. Possible item-number/diet-plan; Suhel Seth in gold bikini.)

Darth Vadra sensed the arrival of Arvind and immediately put on his impenetrable protective armour, a deadly suit known only as UPA 2. The UPA 2 shielded him from weapons like free and fair media probes, real scrutiny, and even press conferences. His counter-attack consisted of hiding behind his wife and calling Arvind a “Mango Person”. This was so embarrassingly weak that the next day, six year-olds stopped him in the street and bullied him for lunch money. When asked to explain his ineffectual response, Darth Vadra merely looked around in embarrassed silence and then said “Chowmein” because that always explains everything. (NOTE: Amazing prequel idea #3: A film about Sonia Gandhi and her family protecting wrong-doers and covering up crimes. Working title: “DLF MAXIMUMINLAW”)

Innocent little Arvind was then accused of raking up muck to achieve his own political agenda, which some said was true, but the fact remained that his reasons for muck-raking didn’t change the truth that the muck existed, and it still stank of illegality. And as the old adage goes, if it looks like a cow, and sounds like a cow, then it must be worshipped and only spoken about in hushed tones and never questioned.

This led to a climactic showdown between Arvind and Darth Vadra, at the end of which all was covered up. As a defeated Arvind lay there, Darth Vadra looked at him and told him the truth that would change everything. “Arvind… I am your father. Baap hoon tera, ulti seedhi cheezein karne mein, samjha?”

Luckily, Arvind escaped, and undeterred, with weird moustache intact, he continues to fight the good fight. Darth Vadra’s wings have been clipped for now, and the rebel alliance grows stronger. It has now taken on the equally demonic Nitin Gadkari, who has not yet accused brave Arvind of being any kind of fruit or food, most likely because he is probably too busy eating them. (NOTE: Best prequel idea yet; film that shows the formation of the BJP. Possible title: “Jurassic Park”)

Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on

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