Rahul da Cunha: Gimme 'mor'

Jun 04, 2017, 05:54 IST | Rahul Da Cunha

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

So, there was a time when the crow was under consideration to be the national bird. After all it had all qualities Indian – it is hardy, relentless, noisy, inquisitive. But, sadly it was dark complexioned (before Fair & Handsome) and not very pretty, so was passed up for the elegant peacock.

Obviously, one assumed that the peacock was elected because of its regality and vanity. I mean, those colours on its body, so beautiful that even the Rising Pune Supergiant outfits copied them.

Like, I can imagine the 'mor' sitting across a chair with our PM in Berlin, its graceful legs exposed, and no nasty trolling for this. (In fact, Priyanka Chopra has decided to change her pet name from Pee Cee to Pea Cea).

But, now I am informed by a Rajasthan High Court judge that the peacock was chosen for its piousness and celibacy. Contrary to popular belief and National Geographic, it has never had sex with a peahen.

When the good judge-cum-ornithologist, was asked, how come there is an entire 'mor' sanctuary at Adichunchunagiri, considering there has been no hanky panky, he answered confidently, "The peahen gets pregnant after swallowing the tears of the peacock." (That apparently is the peacock version of IVF.)

The Rajasthan High Court now wants the cow to become the national animal, causing massive waves in the Bengal Tiger community who have held this coveted position since Independence. (Tiger Shroff has considered changing his name to Cow Shroff. And Tiger Woods got so drunk he couldn't walk in a straight line.)

A particularly frisky tiger cub, said, "If the peacock is celibate, then are we Bengal Tigers also expected to follow suit? I have a date tonight, and that will definitely lead to some action."

The Animal Ministry, much like the BCCI, who put ads out to seek candidates for a new India coach, want to select a new national animal.

The elephants were a depressed bunch. Chhotu, the child artiste from the movie, 'Haathi Mere Saathi' said remorsefully, "Chal chal chal, I knew this day would come. Everything is based on looks these days."

Shri Tharoor, in between dealing with a defamation suit with Shri Goswami, said wisely, "I do believe that the pachyderm should be our national animal of choice. Like me, it is intelligent and forgets nothing. In fact, the term for a collective of the species should be a 'farragos of elephants'."

Proboscis Pereira, owner of a Bandra wellness centre for creatures called Noah's Ark, said, 'I lost a lot of my clients because of PETA's ban on animals being cast in Bollywood films. But, now that the post of national animal is up for grabs, business is booming."

Her partner, Mahout Mehta, who conducts pilates classes for animals, agreed. Different communities have their choices for 'Raashtrey Pashu' — the Goans want the pig, the Assamese have suggested the rhino, and Salman Khan desires the black buck.

In the latest news, President Trump called Prime Minister Modi and said, "To improve Indo-US relations, I would like your national animal to be named CowFefe."

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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