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Rahul Da Cunha: IS it me you're looking for?

See, it’s not like my dad started Lashkar-e-Taiba or anything. In fact, he was not in this terrorist line only. He had a simple boring job. For 30 years he was the hangman in our local jail. He would tie the noose, pull the lever, wait for the body to stop shaking then come and put me and my bro to sleep. Where’s the talent in that? Same routine job for so many years. I’ve never had a godfather to launch me in the terrorist biz, like they have in Bollywood.


Illustration/Uday Mohite

I’m determined to be the Shah Rukh Khan of terrorism.

See, I’m on a summer internship with Lashkar-e-Taiba. Their guys had come to our college. One guy from Al Qaeda. One from LeT. Of course, there were guys from Apple and IBM. But tech vs terror, no brainer dude.

So, I’ve been training with the LeT chaps for three months now.

Don’t quote me, but these LeT guys (I only gave them the abbreviation) are little old fashioned. Their recruiters still go to campuses. Still hire poor boys from villages. Arre yaar, look at Islamic State. They are the real
deal, they’re fully organised. Okay, they’re maybe a little OTT. But they want to build an empire. They want exposure. They are exhibitionists. No hiding in caves like cowards, for them. No off the radar stuff, it’s all on-
line.

They want youth. Hence, they’re on YouTube.

Plus, LeT has not been associated with any of the recent world terrorist attacks.

We were hot during 9/11. But now, no major mosque, mall or market place.

Problem in this field, you can’t change organisations.

Wish I could join IS or ISIS. Their ad agency has come up with the tagline — ‘ISIS is’. Cool na? Nike says ‘Just Do It’. Islamic State says ‘ISIS is’

See man, I don’t see myself as your traditional style terrorist.

All these jihadis who kill for the mother land, die for the cause.

Man! None of that suicide belt type rubbish, like at Istanbul airport.

So, uncool. Bombs unattended outside football stadiums…. not personal. How do you build a reputation?

This guy Osama. Smart chap, no doubt. I mean, to get guys to fly planes into buildings. But what’s the point of dying a martyr? It’s like winning an Oscar posthumously.

Gotta live to tell the tale.

Gotta see the victims, man.

Dhaka, totally my thing.

I have a plan to get noticed. I want to start our own football tournament — It’s like our own Euro Cup, except this will be with the youth wings of organisations. Al Q boys will come on board. The ISIS men, new kids on
the block, they can get serious funding, sponsors.

Taliban will be a nice team to have, though they tend to shoot their opponents when they lose.

I’m confident we can get Christiano Ronaldo on board. See that look on his face, when he scores. Pure terrorist stuff. And Wayne Rooney, now that UK is out of EU, we can get him cheap.

And Messi, anything to stay out of jail.

Chalo, my handler is calling, gotta go.

AhA ! — Yeah mate that’s short for Allah hu Akbar. Cool, ya?

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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