And so, the other evening, Jesus Christ, our Lord, called me.
“Hey, my son, I was browsing the Net, and I read that there is a newly released book claiming that Christianity was a Hindu cult”
“Yes, my Lord.”
“Also, it says that I was actually a Tamil Hindu? Isn’t there a hue and cry in your land?”
Illustration/ Uday Mohite
“Oh God, sorry… my Lord, no no…it’s a non-issue, no one in India has taken it seriously. The RSS has distanced itself from it. The Church has just laughed it off.”
“But, this author is calling me a ‘Tam- Bram’! ‘Tam’, I assume is short for ‘Tamil’. But what is ‘Brahm’?
“Uh...sir…my Lord…Brahm is short for Brahmin, much like your high priests”
“And, it also claims my real name is Keshao Krishna… I mean you live your whole life thinking you are the Father of one religion, and one morning, boom, there’s a theory you’re something else.”
“Yes and, imagine, it also claims your complexion is dark. What is that about?”
“Look, I’ll be honest, my skin is a touch dark at the moment. The truth is I did go to Goa during Lent. Okay, I did hang out a bit at Palolem Beach. I went surf boarding, obviously without a board. I wanted to check if I could still walk on water — so, I will confess with all that summer sun, without applying sun block, I’m kind of dark, well swarthy for sure.”
“So, is it also true that you practice yoga?”
“No way, yoga isn’t my thing — sitting in that lotus position, it’s sheer murder on the knees and quadriceps. My dad was a carpenter, so wood cutting, great for cardio and biceps.”
“Father, with due respect, I mean you could have called anyone — The Archdiocese, the Cardinal, anyone… why me?”
“My son, I wish to visit Chennai. Take me there. To my alternative Promised Land.”
“To see if indeed there is any truth in me being a Tamilian. Plus, is it was Amma’s birthday a couple of days ago.”
“Yes, we could pop in and say halo, sorry, hello.”
“Also, there is some clothing called a ‘lungi’, that I am supposed to have worn — that’s the same garb that Shah Rukh Khan danced in, right?”
“I need to warn you, there is a large Kollywood extravaganza being planned on your life — its called ‘Jesus Christ & Superstar.”
“I know, it’s an old musical written by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, but there’s no ‘&’ in Jesus Christ Superstar.”
“My Lord, no offence, but there is in this one — it’s in another league — it has songs, SFX, super sonic sound. ‘Jesus Christ’ is you…and Superstar is none other than the South Indian Mega Superstar — his name is Rajnikanth!”
“I’m so excited. To visit the land of Amma and appams,” the Holy Man exclaimed.
“My Lord…so I’ll meet you at the airport along with your new disciples?”
“Excuse me, but I have my 12 chosen. I’ve had them for thousands of years.”
“Uh sir, these are your Tamil disciples — Siva, Swamy, Subramaniam, Swaminathan, Srikkath, Subbarao, Narayanan, Natarajan, Raghavan, Venkatachalam, Murali and Chandrasekharan.”
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org
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