06 May,2010 10:19 AM IST | | Diana
Dear Diana,
I have been married 17 years and have two beautiful children. However, I feel that I need to put an end to my failed marriage. I feel that I am in it just for the sake of the children. Since we have been married I have had problems, initially it was physical abuse, verbal abuse, threats etc. My husband drinks every single day. We moved overseas three years ago and he has manipulated me.
I don't love him as a wife would love her husband. I want out of this relationship as it is suffocating me. My 16-year-old has said that if I don't move out and start a new life for myself, she will have nothing more to do with me. I haven't even slept in the same room as my husband for two months now as sex is a chore.
I often feel threatened into having sex. I am smart and independent and have a full-time job that pays me well to be able to survive on my own. I am just worried that he won't support the kids if I move out. I am not sure how to handle this situation. We don't even speak to each other any longer.
Name withheld
Dear Friend,
You already know what to do. Start saving up and looking for a place for you and the kids. Also contact a lawyer ASAP. Start making a plan, get your things together, know where your resources are (people, money, etc) and plan a departure. Make sure that you change as many things as you can (email addresses, passwords, cell phone numbers) and that your employer knows what's going on, in case your husband shows up at work. Take your time, plan, and then GO! If you do not leave, it will only get worse.
Take courage and move out of the comfort zone. You may find that living without him can be a joyful thing. There will be peace in the home and you can do anything you want. Sometimes you just have to accept that a marriage isn't going to work, its over, and its time to let go. It's scary, but it's also a wonderful feeling to be happy and free again.
But it's the same ring!
Dear Diana,
My boyfriend gave me an engagement ring that was previously used by his ex girlfriend. He says that he redid the ring, but the diamond is the same. It makes me feel uncomfortable. There is also a plus, when we started the relationship I got so hurt because the way they used to talk to each other, and all the things they were planing to do (including elope), even when I was already dating him. Am I overreacting? The ring was already sized for me but I just don't feel okay wearing it or happy receiving it.
Name withheld
Dear Friend,
I guess if you don't feel comfortable now, you probably never will. Go with what you think will make you comfortable and happy. I personally don't feel you're overreacting. Actually, I think what you're feeling is completely normal. If you accept that ring, every time you look at it you're going to be reminded of "their" relationship and it is going to ruin the whole experience for you.
Why should you be denied your own ring? You need to tell him you're not happy with it and he needs to understand that. Explain to him that you want your own ring (that's not being greedy or selfish). Ask for a ring that defines YOUR relationship not one that contains the ghosts of his previous relationship.
