16 April,2010 10:00 AM IST | | Diana
Dear Diana,
I have told an ex that I am still in love with him. We had not talked to or seen each other in three years. He emailed me out of nowhere to send me good wishes. So I took the opportunity to tell him how I have felt for three years. He told me he is engaged. We talk every week. He says he cares about me but doesn't think he can do this to his fianc e. He came to see me at my workplace.
We met one day and sat on a bench for hours and talked. I know he loves his fianc . But he has also said to me that what we have is different. And that it is definitely still there. I don't know where to go from here. I always felt like I had lost him but always thought if we were meant to be then we would. But I'm starting to think differently. I'm so afraid to lose him for good. We haven't seen each other in 2 weeks. He says he has to respect her although he says he wishes we could explore this.
He always says things like "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" and makes comments about somehow changing things. I admitted I made a mistake. I admitted I hurt him but as soon as I got his email I knew I had to say something. I don't want to cause anyone pain. I feel terrible if I have caused his fianc e any pain. She knows about it and doesn't want us to talk. But I'm sure she can sense it from him that we do. What should I do? I can't lose him again. Is it too late?
Name withheld
Dear Friend,
Yes. It's too late to change the past. What you have to do is to decide what to do now. You have opened your heart to himu00a0-- he knows how you feel. Either he will break it off with his fianc eu00a0-- or he won't. What you need is a clear decision from him. Otherwise it is not fair on youu00a0-- and it definitely isn't fair on the other woman. If he can't or won't commit to you, move on. It will hurtu00a0-- but not as much as a drawn out and doomed affairu00a0-- for that is what you are having. Pull away.
Maybe you are using this as an excuse to not move on with your life all this time... we tend to hold on to things which weren't meant to be just because it's a good way to avoid focusing on yourself, picking yourself and becoming strong. He is engaged. Do you understand what that means? I know you share intimate conversations, but right now engagement means that he has set himself up to marry her because he wants to/wanted to , spend the rest of his life with her.
It's time for you to stop torturing yourself. I understand your sad feelings and regret, but you know deep down you didn't work and just because time has passed, the two of you won't magically become one suddenly now. He will regret leaving someone like her. Don't go there please, step up and let him go.
He gave me engagement ring used by his ex
Dear Diana,
My boyfriend gave me an engagement ring that was previously used by his ex girlfriend. He says that he redid the ring, but the diamond is the same. It makes me feel uncomfortable. There is also a plus, when we started the relationship I got so hurt because the way they used to talk to each other, and all the things they were planing to do (including elope), even when I was already dating him. Am I overreacting? The ring was already sized for me but I just dont feel okay wearing it or happy receiving it.
Name withheld
Dear Friend,
I guess if you don't feel comfortable now, you probably never will. Go with what you think will make you comfortable and happy. I personally don't feel you're overreacting. Actually, I think what you're feeling is completely normal. If you accept that ring, every time you look at it you're going to be reminded of "their" relationship and it is going to ruin the whole experience for you.
Why should you be denied your own ring? You need to tell him you're not happy with it and he needs to understand that. Explain to him that you want your own ring (that's not being greedy or selfish). Ask for a ring that defines YOUR relationship not one that contains the ghosts of his previous relationship.
