Am in a marriage gone bad. Now in love with a buddy!

I have been married 14 years and have been in an affair for four years. My husband and I have four children together, Our relationship has never really run smoothly

Am in a marriage gone bad. Now in love with a buddy!

Dear Diana,

Illustration/ Sameer Pawar

I have been married 14 years and have been in an affair for four years. My husband and I have four children together, Our relationship has never really run smoothly. He is jealous and sometimes possevive and argumentative. He shouts a lot and can say some really nasty things. I don't think I love him any more, but i put up with it because its far easier than walking away. My problem is: there is this guy, a friend to my husband and me. He is kind, sweet and funny and I have feelings for him. I think about him most days and worry when he is ill. We talk most days although I have never told anyone how I feel. My friends think that he likes me but I don't wanna risk losing a real friend if I say anything. Now my relationship with my husband is somewhat difficult but I usually still allow him to have sex (I feel as his wife, it would be unfair not to). Normally, I don't even care about the sex but for the last couple of times I feel dirty and disgusted with myself. I do care for my husband regardless of how awful he can be. He has, after all, given me four lovely kids but I worry I am being unfair to him by pretending how things are right now (I think he knows I like our friend). I think he probably deserves a lot better, so my question is: Do you think that I am making a huge mistake carrying this on or do you think it's for the best?

Name withheld

Dear Friend,
You should talk to your husband and tell him how he is making you feel with his behaviour. It's not worth it, if you are the the only person trying to make this marriage work. As for sex, I can't imagine it is going to be with anyone if you "allow" him to have sex, you need to want to. I think that your guy friend is just confusing matters. I bet you see him as all the things you husband is not, but you haven't had children with him, you haven't lived with him day in day out, so you really don't know what he is like. The very fact that you feel dirty and disgusted with yourself for having sex with him, is a bit disturbing as it is your husband you are talking about, not some stranger. My advice to you would be, don't pretend. Tell him that his nasty behaviour has got to stop, that you will not put up with it anymore if he continues being this way. If you do not put your foot down and tell him this, he will continue treating you like a doormat!

I feel hurt that he 'rejected' me!

Dear Diana,
I recently developed a close friendship with a guy. We have a lot of chemistry. We went out last night and drank a little too much. We ended up back at my place but he wouldn't kiss me back when I tried to. He said he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship, but he said he didn't believe me. We haven't talked about what happened, but I feel hurt and rejected. I'd like to keep him as a friend, but I'd also like to explore this chemistry we have. Should I talk to him about what happened or give him time?

Name withheld

Dear Friend,
Do you want him as a boyfriend or a one-night stand? He told you he likes you and that he would have not minded a one-night stand... but he also told you that he likes you and doesn't right nowu00a0want a relationship... You need to understand what you want... it sounds like you wanted sex and to be able to keep the future romance a real possibility, which he has told you is NOT a combination he's willing to commit to. After you've figured out what you want talk to him... he sounds like he knows what he wants. Don't feel rejected BTW, you should feel honored that he likes you enough to not have taken the quick and easy sex.