Lobo Lobo for Mayor

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over, dressed up, quite sooted and booted.

"Hello Lobo Lobo. You're looking quite dapper, I must say!'

"Dikuna men, I'm Thelonious Lobo, I'm a maka pao and I'm Mayor-elect of Virar," he announced.

"Lobo Lobo, you sound a lot like uhm, Zohran Mamdani, the new Mayor of New York."

"Arre men, he is my hero, socko guy, only tirty foe years he is, bleddy taking on all de fat cats, all dose Trump Wump types bullies/billionaires, solid guts and gumption he has… he wants to help all de down trodden peeepuls of New York, so jest like hm, I am for de citizens of my native Virar. I am standing for Mayor of Virar."

"Wow so Virar is soon to have its own Mayor?"

"See men, Dikuna, dere are tree-foe major communities dat make up our Virar.

And dere are total, four candidates standing for de Mayor post - dere is one Chimanrao Chaturveer Saluskar, he is a Maratha strong man, Maharashtrians are de majority community in Virar, so he is de favourite to win.

Dere is Paritosh Paintal, aka Pichkari, he speaks for de large Gujarati population - dere is one Nadhi Paani Daryanani, he is of de Koli fisherman community, who's also a Sindhi. And dere is myself, Thelonious Lobo, who represents all de Catlick peepuls and de common peepuls."

"But why are you so sooted and booted?"

"See men, I'm dressed up like Zohran because even doe I represent de common man, I want to symbolise progress, I want to represent to all de Gen Zee and young peepuls dat dey can progress, I plan to give dem new hope.

I have an antem also - its called VVIP, I sing it all de rallies - here goes (Lobo Lobo sang)…

VVIP VVIP VVIP
VVIP (repeat)
Virar Very Important People
All uncle aunty
Living in building or shanty
Bunty babli
Fui Bua.
Koli ke peeche kya hai
Aamchi maati aamcha mansa
VVIP VVIP
Virar Very Important People

Dere is one two areas where I am same to same wid Zohran men, I want to make Virar an easier place to live in, arre as it is men, Mumbai city, it is stressful life. For de average person, who work in town men, imagine Virar is de last station, what stress dey have in dere daily life, wid de crowded conditions, and de pot holes and de pouring rain, and just peepuls peepuls peepuls everywhere. I want to work towards standard of living, for de taxi wallas, the autorickshaw guys, bhajiwallas, daily workers - Whereas dese udder candidates dey just want to make de rich richer, dey want to get higher and higher and higher in dere political parties, whereas I am just an independent. Our city is as unaffordable as New York, men, have to start somewhere.

See men, I'm taking my cues from Mamdani only men, in dis modern age of tik tok shik shok, and insta-sham, everyting of de person becomes importent men, wot he eats, wot he does, arre how his wife dressed, see how stylo Zohran's better half is, how she dressed up wid dat one Jordanian Palestininan designer's creations, to make one political point.

My wife Myrtle is becoming a style icon, I have got her to dress up - dere is dis one designer in our side onie, she designs in Koli style, but wid Gujju Maharashtrian-Marathas undertones, so she is by my side like socko men dressed up.So, Dikuna, I am a man of style and substance"

"I'm guessing if you're an independent, you must have your own political party… what is your party called?"

"LTTE Party", he replied, nonchalantly

"The Liberation Tigers of Tamil Ealam?" I asked astonished.

"No no men, mad o wot, I am LTTE, Lobo Tireless Timely Everyday' Party," he concluded, "I am Thelonious Lobo, I am a Catlick and I am one of you," he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com