Lobo Lobo is hungry

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over, looking thinner, leaner, hungrier.

"Lobo Lobo," I asked, "Why do you have a lean and hungry look?"

"I have a hungry look because I am hungry, Dikuna men," he snarled.

"But why are you hungry?"

"It is all because of dat blinking fallow Tukaram Mungde."

"He's cleaning up the food in the city, hygiene over hunger, he's doing good," I said.

"Arre men, wot doing good, one by one he is finding some problem wid all my favourite eateries… arrey shit men, from last tree munts, all all places he's finding reason to shut down or suspend licence - before he had suspended my dat Bawaji place, Parsi Dairy… my chicken tikka roll place wochyoucall, ah, Ayubs.

But de wurst ting happened last wik. See, I come into dis part of Mumbai for one reason and one reason onie, and dat is to ‘stuff my face', from my fave Irani cafes, one dat Kyani and Co, in dat wouchyoucall, Dobi Talao… uff, wot wot patties you get, and dat cutting chai wid kari biscoot. Also my dat udder top one, Café Olympia, I came dat day all de way from Virar for dat my butter chicken and chops and all, and now I am told dat Munde saheb has closed bot down and taken away dere both licences. My udder top hangout in my stoodent days was Cafe Mondegar… wid de Mario cartoons on de walls - I keep tinking how Mondy is unhygienic, but Leos is ok."

‘But Lobo Lobo, surely Myrtle must be making you nice homecooked meals."

"Arrey Dikuna men, Mundhe sir is creating havoc, men. Also in holesale shops and retale ones, my Myrtle tolded me, all all her regular stores, all of dem he's closed down. Pinto Pork in our side, is best supplier of pork for dat her vindaloo, sorpotel, chorizo… dat Mundheji, he's found rats dere, men. Imagine finding rats in a store dat sells pigs meat… Den dere is her udder place called Braganza Beef… She makes beef cutlets like, oh men, too good. He founded some ting in the beef storage area - den all her fish shops… she's a caterer men, imagine dat fiasco. Her one fish place Saldanha Seafood, where she gets her bhangra.."

"Bangda, Lobo Lobo..Bhangra is a Punjabi dance"

"Ok men, Bhangra… why you being literal, men. All her rawas and pamplit and bekti and all, they found silverfish in a fish place… what irony, men… All her sea food she was getting at dis place, lobster and shell fish and squids… See men, we are Catlicks so we dont know concept of veg food. De only vegetables is de potato she puts in de chorizo chilly fry, so wot to do, she duzzent know how to make any veg dishes. All dat bhaingan-fainghan, and okra-wokra, bindi-shindi, who eats, men, who eats any food dat is green… But now times are hard… and den on de udder side, my dotter Cindrella is offering me bleddy vegan food, jest imagine you bite into wot looks like sorpotel and its soya-potel…"

(Lobo Lobo laughed at his own joke in spite of his hunger.)

"So Lobo Lobo, what are you doing now for food?"

"It's like going back to stone age time - Arey men how much ghas poos to eat… Every day I'm eating raw vegetables, I go into de jungle looking for food - anyting will do… berry, rasberrys, raisins, nuts, dates… I have become a jungle expert going to all all forests and jungles looking for food.

But how much berry to eat men, problem is dese all all animal are getting bald ragged with me. One monkey tolded me, dat Mundhesaaab is coming to jungles also, climbing up trees and checking expiry dates on apples, apricots and coconuts and cherries and berries... Dikuna men, at this rate, Mumbai won't have any more food, men, raw or refined. I believe he is now going after a Chinese restaurant in Pune… in a panic they're not onie cleaning up their place but also renaming their dishes."

"Like what?" I asked.

"They have Lung Fung Tuk soup and Mapo Tofu Tuku and Chicken Manchow Mundhe," he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com