Lobo Lobo in space

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I heard a sound coming from outside my window. Looking out, I saw Lobo Lobo, my cable tech guy, hanging onto my ledge for dear life…

"Hey men duffer Dikuna men, help no, udder wise I'll toh fall!" he yelled, breathlessly.

As I lifted him into my house, wondering why he was so heavy, I realised he was wearing a white astronaut's outfit.

"Lobo Lobo… hmmmm, cool outfit."

"I knew you'd aks men, so here goes, see Boss, I want to become an astronaut."

"Hmmm, but how does one just become an astronaut?"

" I donnn know, Dikuna men, so I am experimenting - but dat wassisane Sukh, Shook sumtinng…??"

"Shambanshu Shukla?"

"Yeah dat only, him only, if he can achieve dis, den why not me, I want to go wid him on his next space mission, represent de nation."

"And what makes you feel you are a worthy person to accompany him, as an Axion 4 Crew member?"

"See men, I have all de credentials… Basically, you need de courage and bindaas-giri to go into space - and I am solid bindaas - in my younger days, I was a stunt man…"

"What??" I asked, incredulous.

"No jokes men, God promise," he said, I'm solid derring men, I can do all all type stunts, I can jump troo fire, and can drive de car and do all all flips and turns and all - arrrey, my dad befoe me, he was de stunt double foe all de big daddies in de 70s movies, all Garam Dharam, Big B, Shotgun Sinha. Now in de 90s I was stunt and body double for all dose Aamir movies, I was his Taare Zameen Par stunt double, I could fly high in de sky, and do anyting on de ground, he aksed me if I wanted to be de stunt man, in dis new none onie, dat ‘Sitaare' one. Den I have one small room, where I do all dese space experiments, also holding my breat, and also I have a trampoline, where I do all dis jumping-wumping, you know in de space, dere is all dat gravity - you ‘ave to know how to float, na? I have made one rocket for myself, and on Sundays I go into de rocket and I lift off in de sky… solid fun becomes! Of cuss sometimes I just crash land and fall on de ground."
"Ouch," I said.

"No no men, all in a day's work, Dikuna men, but chalo men, I'm going back to ISS."

‘Wow… you're going to The International Space Station, that's amazing. How, Lobo Lobo?"

"No no chhe men, not dat ISS, dis is my ISS, I have many ISS."

"Such as?" I asked.

"First, my lunch… ‘I Sannas Sorpotel', den after ‘I Susegado Siesta', got it men, ISS?" he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com