Lobo Lobo is Messi-ed up

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo, my cable guy, was in a blue funk dressed in a blue and white striped Argentinian jersey.

Hello, Lobo Lobo, aka Raymnd DaCosta, let me guess why you're so upset? Is it because of the Lionel Messi messy fiasco?"

"Bossie Dikuna men, ‘upset' is an understatement, and messy fiasco is even more of a wrong word… it was a cringe experience, de worst men! Ufffff can't say only how much bad it was!"

"You were there in person, Lobo Lobo? Kolkata or Mumbai?"

"I went to both, men! See, Messi is my hero - we made a plan, all my mates and me, dat is my Glaxose football team of 1981, dere was my legendary LGBT forward line-up. LGBT, meaning not Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals and Trans, but LGBT, that's me Lobo, Gogol from de Orissa, Banerjee from Tollygunge and Thambi de Tamil Nadu. LGBT we were… and dere was our goalkeeper from dat team, Taqdeer Aslam, 7-feet-2-inch Pathan from Bhendi Bazaar. Now, he caters biryani and Pahadi kebabs. We took dat train men, Calcutta Express, we went to dat wochyoucall Salt Lake Stadium bright and early 6.30 am, and we waited in de hot blazing sun men, for our hero. And den he appeared finally, but before we could say, Jacks Robinsons, dese bleddy swarms of ‘no ticketed' peepuls, dese VVVVVIPs came from nowhere and surrounded him and, arrey dey gheraoed him, like one swarm of bees. Sheeey… I had come to see Messi. All I could see was de behind heads of dese ministers and dere families - all de real fans are in de stadium and we can't catch a glimpse. Den wot made it worse, our Messi is one tingoo bugger, only 170 inches, so he got lost in dat crowd - and den peepuls got angry so someone in his entourage felt dat his life was in danger, so instead of honoring de commitment of his being dere for 90 mins. Dey took him away… arey, if he had kicked a few penalty ones, all dese VVVIPs would have disappeared no? I wanted a refund… men, one munts full salary down de drain- full crowd went pagal, even I was so ‘blinking gussa' I wanted to broked one aluminium chair but I stopped myself," Lobo Lobo said ruefully.

I felt for Lobo Lobo. But he wasn't done yet.

"Chalo den I tout to myself, I am determined to see him. So I came to Mumbai from Calcutta, and went to de Wankhede Stadium. Arrey, equally worst it was… again all dese VVVIPs following him…VVVIPs mean Very Very Very Irritating Peepuls.

They are all GOATS literally goat, sheeps, maying and baaaaing and following like a herd.

Wot men, Dikuna, again so boring it was, one of our politician's wife, she's chewing gum, and takes two tree selfies wid Messi, and one actor exchanges shawls wid anudder actor, wot is going on, dis was meant to be a Lionel Messi show, instead it is a Bollywood nite!

See men, Dikuna, we have a serious problem in dis countree towards footer, men. one footer felloe from de Football Association tolded me, dat dere are no sponsorers who want to support de sport of football, everyting is cricket, cricket, cricket… even hututututututuututu wochyocall kabaddi.

Arrey sponsors are putting money behind dat damn bleddy pickeleball and paddle ball, bleddy tukutuku games and no takers for footer men… I'm toh damn ‘udaas' - we have crores for Messi but nutting for Chhetri and Indian football. So I have decided I want to promote de footer in Mumbai. I'm tinking of beginning in a small way in Virar onie."

"What are your plans?" I asked.

"I'm building a small 35 feet statue of myself only in Virar, wid a blue and white jersey and unlike dat one dey made of Messi in Bengal, dis one looks like me. I feel if I make one statue of myself it will inspire up and coming players.

I have started two companies - one is called VAMOS- Virar Association Messi-ahs Of Soccer situated in Mumbai. And de udder is named GOALL - it stands for Goa League of Lobo."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com