Lobo Lobo, the auto ricksha driver

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over dressed in all khaki.

"Tu kashi ahes, Dikuna saheb?" he asked, nonchalantly.

"Lobo Lobo am I hearing things, but why are you talking to me in Marathi?" I enquired.

"Tula kai maiti, men, off kuss mee Marathi bhasha seekla, phaar changla," he said.

"But why have you arrived in a kaali peeli auto rickshaw. Why is there a badge attached to your pocket, what's going on?"

"Dikuna men, I am a part-time ricksha driver, wot to say, dats why I am in khaki unform."

I was nonplussed. And a bit impressed.

"Care to explain, Lobo Lobo."

"See men, I lost my job at de cable TV company, so I tought to mines-self, see I am an expert rider, why not become a auto rickshaw driver. So, I rented one autoricksha from dat my one freend Mithinai Manecktala. And den I got my license after many failed attempts - but riding in Bombay boss, headache men, Dikuna.

Arrey men, hole hole day I'm riding around avoiding dese blessed potholes, strange bumps in de road, arrey as it is so much jhanjat. Everyone is breaking de lights, they are riding on wrong side of de road… all aal dese illegal tings have become normal now na and I have to negotiate all dis?

Den dat Taxi union won't let us into your part of SoBo, all dese tings dat make life in our city so difficult.

But den I got my license and have been ferrying all type passengers in dat my Virar. All was well, and den suddenly de RTO made a rule, dat all of us auto ricksha riders have to learn Marathi language. See men, I took on de challenge. I don't mind learning a new language, unnersand, my turd cuzzin, Lancelot Lionel Lobo, he was a linguist men, all all languages he had learnded, including Sanskrit, and dat wochyoucall Pali, so I tought, chal why not I learn Marathi, but to learn anyting in Mumbai city, wot wot a gotala you get into, I stood in one long line, queueue in Mira Road to get de tuitions.

Arrey everyday, I'm bleddy perfecting my Marathi… everyday after one hard day, I stay up all night learning.

Wot to tell you men, Dikuna, I am now like a scholar, actually not full scholar, I carry around wid me a ‘English to Marathi" dictionary, just in case. But de problems dint end dere.

De udder day one dat Bawaji person got into my rickshaw - Versova to Virar…

I aksed him, ‘Tumhala kuthe jayche aahe'?

He said to me, ‘Hey naalayak, tumara maa bap jayche aahe… tum thik se bolo, samajyu ke, why youre being rude, why talking Marathi to me?"

And he hit me twice wid his dat one folded Gujarati newspaper. I'm tinking wot I said was wrong, men?

Den anuudder day, one Panju bugger, Sardarji fellow wanted a ride…

He's a joyful fellow, but his language is very fast and colourful. He says to me, "Oi praji, ki haal hai?' and then he says all dat ‘Tussi Tussi Tussi' so I tought he means he want to take him to Tulsi Pipe Road. So, I took him, Virar to Tulsi Pipe - he got bald ragged dat I had taken him for a ride.

Arrey men, I am talking to all all peepuls in Marathi, most of dem don't know de language, wot I'm to do? How I'll also learnt Tamil and Telegu and Gujatarri and Sindhi.

See men, I want to aks dat wochyoucall RTO peepuls, wot is de point of me learning dat Marathi bhasha, if de passenger duzzent unnerstand or duzzent speak.

Wots de point, none of my passengers know Marathi men, unless dey demselves are Maharashtrian. Arrey men, also how you'll do OTP in Marathi, chhe. See boss, I'm tinking forget all dis auto ricksha bizness, I would radder, lead one protest march against dese peepuls who want to spoil day my Neville DeSouza football ground, den I can use my Marathi bhasha expertly," Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com