mid-day Opinion: Ass you like it

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Dhondu Dattatreya Damle Doiphode, Minister of State for Transportation looked lovingly at his fleet of parked cars, with some annoyance. His eyes scanned over his prized Porsche, his two Mercs, the bikes - both the Kawasaki and the Yamaha. When could he use them again, he wondered- maybe he could steal away for a midnight drive. But, even then, he needed his convoy, and the last thing he wanted was for some hooligans riding alongside making Insta reels - he would have High Command to answer to.

The orders had come from above-austere living, alternative means of transport, save fuel, "don't buy gold." This "don't buy gold," and cutting back on jewellery, had his wife livid. She had to ask Gopichand the jeweller to cancel all the orders. She was displeased that all their planned foreign holidays had to be cancelled. That Schengen visa would go to waste now. Instead the thing to do, was to visit Tirupati and Siddhivinayak, but to get there he had to take a train. No, no, no, no. This was not good, these weren't good times, and austerity just did not suit him.

Of course, he could be driven around in a domestic car, but he had become used to travelling in style. Plus today, you were also judged by your convoy, your security detail, your bodyguards, how many cars followed you, and what level of security you had (Y, Z, K, or L). And also by what cars were they were driving - he believed strongly in the motto, "Be Indian, Buy Indian, Drive Foreign." He wondered how long this "command" would last. Now, he had to find a way to get to work, to visit his "people," his constituents, the road construction workers, and his PR firm. He was used to getting around by rolling up and down his tinted windows. Many important people were cycling to work, including the CM, but that required some degree of fitness. And he was severely unfit. He had heard about one minister riding to work on a horse to save fuel.

"I'd like to get some horses," he told his bodyguard. "If I have to get around on a horse, get me a full supply of them: one for official duty, one for when I am to meet important people, one for Sunday with family, and one for holidays - I want all through breads."

His bodyguard came back with some bad news: there were no horses available. They had all been booked up or bought by other politicians, MLAs, bureaucrats - it had become "the thing" to ride around on a horse, after all, all warriors went around on horseback.

"Find some horses for me. Look everywhere: go to riding clubs, polo matches, stables, the Kingfisher Derby," he snapped.

"Sir -- there are no horses available, but you will get other similar type animals," one of his men said.

"Like what?" Doiphode asked.

"Saheb, we have intercepted a smuggling racket trying to get kangaroos into Maharashtra. Would you like some kangaroos? It will be a different mode of transportation."

"Idiot, can you imagine me sitting in the pouch of a kangaroo and hopping up and down the Western Express Highway? It will be so bumpy. As it is with all the potholes and speed-breakers it is a bumpy ride."

"What about a peacock, sir? It is our national bird?"

"I don't wish to fly. What's the point of being airborne if no one will see me, except other ministers? Get me a four-legged creature pronto."

"Sir we have located some donkeys and mules…"

"Duffers, you think I should travel around on a mule? All these years I have been driven around in a Class E Mercedes and now you are suggesting a mule!"

Doiphode's main bodyguard said to him, "Sir I think, the ass is the perfect mode of transport for you."

"Are you calling me an ass… or that I will look good on one?"

"Sir this is not just any ass. It is a very rare creature. It is not from this country, it is from Iran, from the land of Hormuz. It is called the Iranian ass. We have a name for it in Maharashtra: the LPG.
Long-legged Pointy Faced Gadha… LPG," he concluded.

And so, Dhondu Doiphode ordered six.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com