Should straight men be on Instagram?

Straight men, who otherwise scoff at dating apps, then use the innocuous Instagram DM slide in (mostly with a fire emoji) to get the ball rolling. Representation Pic/Pexels

In a recent Instagram reel posted by @subwaytakes, an account run by Egyptian-American comic and artist Kareem Rahma, where he interviews other artists on a subway and asks them for a "take", New York comic Ali Kolbert had a really hot take. She said that she "doesn't think straight men, especially married men, should be on Instagram". Woah! She goes on to say, "…unless they are working. Instagram is a dating app. If you are a man on Instagram, you should have a private profile, fewer than 200 followers, you should have posted twice in your life, and you should not comment and DM. No fire emoji to someone's story. Liking someone else's photo is cheating."

No, maybe I don't think liking someone's photo is cheating, but I do agree with her. If I were in the dating market today, I would like to date a man who doesn't follow, like or care about hot women and their reels or photos. The less he does on Instagram, the better - except send me reels. If he is watching food reels, travel content, ASMR deep cleaning videos, or laughing out loud on prank videos, well, that's fine with me. But leaving fire emojis on a hot girl's video? Well, that's a red flag. If a man is posting too many selfies, or gym photos (unless they are an actor or model or fitness creator or Rahul Khanna), that too is a red flag! Now, I do realise that could be considered hypocritical coming from me, who spends many hours a day on Instagram, posts 10 stories a day, and now writes a column on social media! But, hear me out.

Why is that women get a hall pass to post as many thirst traps as they want - and we judge men for doing the same? Even Elon Musk currently went viral for saying "Instagram is for girls". He was commenting on a tweet talking about the phases a girl is going through, that said if she is posting thirst traps, she is recently single. We usually don't take what Musk says seriously, but let's agree with him today. A Vogue piece I read, which tried to make sense of why men being active on Instagram is such an ick, quoted psychologists who said that many times, it boils down to gender norms. It said, "While women are often socially conditioned to share and curate aesthetics, overly active men can be perceived as lacking masculinity or seeking validation".

That I could agree with. Do I feel bad for men being reduced to a gender norm? Not really, because women have been at the receiving end of this for hundreds of years, so men can just suck it up. It does reflect an innate need for validation from the opposite sex, and overposting is off-putting unless the man is sharing tidbits of his work life (social media also acts as a showreel), or posting cute photos of their dogs, cats, or children. Maybe one vacation picture here and there, and music or movie appreciation post - but that's all. Recently during a girls' night, many of my friends also said "pouty pictures" and a man whose name shows up as a "like" below every bikini-clad photo of a girl, are the men they wouldn't touch with a flagpole. I would tell men here: if you didn't think your social media activity was being noticed, do know that everyone is watching.

I also agree with Kolbert when she says if a straight man is too active on Instagram, they are using it as a dating app. Straight men, who otherwise scoff at dating apps, then use the innocuous Instagram DM slide in (mostly with a fire emoji) to get the ball rolling. Research shows that it provides a low-pressure way to flirt, and cast a wide net. It often also shows them as more relatable, more casual, and thus, less intimidating. It's like becoming friends with the girl, before you ask for the "benefits". If you find a man who rolls his eyes at dating apps as he DMs you on Instagram, it could mean he is sending the DM to all the girls on his list. But, hopefully, not all men?

At the end of this divisive and controversial column, I would just say maybe all this is bunkum. Who is anyone to tell anyone what they can share, not share, or what their social media behaviour says about them? That's what your therapist can tell you, not me. Also, some would say, it's not all men, right? And if women can use it for receiving validation, why can't men? I would say, men, please stay on Instagram. Just keep it classy, safe, and respectful. As Seneca said, "Nothing deters a good man from doing what is honourable."

See you next week.

Ranting and raving about all that's trending on social media, Aastha Atray Banan is an author, creator, podcaster, and the Editor of your favourite weekend read, Sunday mid-day. She posts at @aasthaatray on Instagram.
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The views expressed in this column are the individual's and don't represent those of the paper.