The Indisciplined Games

Illustration/Uday Mohite

And so we returned from the Nagoya Asian Games, successful,with 85 medals, including some golds in archery, shooting, and other disciplines. As you know, dear reader, India is making all kinds of efforts to host the 2036 Olympic Games. This confidence is partly based on our improved performances in sports, but it also comes from our skill in rigging elections. The strategy is simple - the final selection for the host nation is meant to be a secret ballot; so adept are we at disenfranchising voters, that some of the IOC members won't find their names registered. In any case, so shambolic are we at infrastructure, that we are likely to end up with running lanes filled with over-sized potholes, stadiums where whole enclosures may well collapse.

Instead, I'm suggesting we host games for events we excel at - games where we don't need to build special grounds/stadia. These special games should be played out on the streets of Mumbai - in her bylanes, and galli-guchis, parks and maidans, highways and flyovers. These are all great locations for some disciplines; in fact, we should patent them for a new format called ‘The Indisciplined Games'. Here are some I wish to introduce.

‘Graze and gaali' 10-metre dash
In this event, two motorists take off from the same direction, they must drive very close to each other, finally grazing each other's vehicles. They both stop, get out of their respective cars, and begin an exchange of expletives that escalates into full-blown violence. Obviously, the driver knocked unconscious is the loser.

Five -legged scooty race
In this race, five contestants have to sit atop a scooter meant for two. This is a night event; the contestants have to ride on a pavement, with people sleeping there. They have the wide open road to traverse, but choose to disturb the sleepers, having to skilfully weave around prostrate bodies.

The no-entry sprint
The venue for this 50-meter dash has to be a narrow lane. This is strictly a one-way traffic lane, the opposition then takes off down this lane from the opposite side. The outcome is anyone's guess.

Knock Her Down
This is a motorbiking event - in 100 cc, 200 cc and 500 cc categories. In this sport, women riders race individually, while the opposition is a misogynistic insecure male, unable to accept that the fairer sex has competed in his domain. He attempts to knock her down in an SUV. She has to avoid him. When the starter gun goes off, both the biker and the brute set off together, and the lady biker has to somehow fend off the crazed SUV.

The hit from behind
This is an SUV sport once again. In this one, usually the driver is underage. The idea is to drive at high speeds and hit a much slower vehicle, like a scooter, cycle, or auto rickshaw from behind. The slower vehicle has to find ways or zig-zag techniques to race towards the finish line.

Steeplechase over ‘two bridges intersecting'
In my ‘Indisciplined Games', this is the one single running event, the venue for which will keep changing. The requirement has to be ‘misaligned bridges', like at Ghatkopar or Gokhale Bridge. This is more than just a Triathalon or Iron man race, where the athlete competes in running, swimming and cycling. In my Games, the athlete competes in activities as diverse as running, jumping, and sidestepping craters/potholes of different sizes, but the last stretch has to be where two bridges have been badly misaligned and the runner has to jump many feet between the incomplete bridges. Then, he finally dives into the water and swims to the end.

As you can see, athletes at the Indiscipline Games need to have many qualities, repressed anger, and a violent temper for starters.

But the athletes must also possess a calm disposition, a meditative mindset after all the races and contests spread over the length and breadth of Greater Mumbai, across terrain that is dangerous, requiring great daredevilry and derring do.

Great discipline is required for these Indiscipline Games.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com