Yash Minister

Illustration/Uday Mohite

And so the British PM, the Rt Hon Sir Keir Starmer came to town - to Mumbai city. His primary aim was to strengthen UK-Indo trade ties.

"I'm here to strengthen our trade relations," the Rt Hon Sir Keir Starmer told his delegation… and this was also communicated to the Indian press.

"Sir Keir the only way to strengthen Indo-UK trade relations is if you return the Kohinoor Diamond to India," one spokesperson said

"I'm sorry but the diamond is lodged in the Tower of London, in a special Jewel house. How am I to get it out? Maggie Thatcher, Tony Blair, John Major, even Winston Churchill couldn't have got it out with all their clout.

I'd have to hire the most adept jewel thief, like a Pink Panther and make sure there's no Inspector Clouseau after it."

"So Sir Keir, we have to ask, what is the purpose of your visit, if it's not to return the diamond? You must be on a very important political mission."

"Yes it is a very important mission. But it's not political, it's cinematic," Sir Starmer said.

"Cinematic," tell us more, everyone asked.

"You see, I'm very photogenic, I was hoping to maybe get a role in the next Bond movie, maybe not as James, but as the gadgets expert ‘K', since my initials are K. But while I was auditioning, there was a vacancy for the PM post. I tell you, it's easier to enter ‘10 Downing Street' than it is to become 007, so boom I got the job. Anyway, I'm veering away from your question. I came to India to meet Rani Mukherjee at Yashraj Studios."

"Oh I see."

"Yes. See, I would like Bollywood to shoot movies, in the UK, we are developing many scripts together, us and YRF."

A Yashraj studio executive said, "Yes we are in talks with the PM and his team to make a heist film called ‘Aati Kya Kohinoor', with Rani and Aamir Khan. It could actually end up being a trilogy - a historical heist film set in the 1800s. See, the central story is the British have stolen the Kohinoor. Aamir Khan's character is a thief living in Kensington, his girlfriend/love interest lives in India, so he asks her to come to the UK. The song is called ‘Aati Kya Kensington', so Rani goes to the UK, and together they steal back the Diamond.

The second part of the franchise is called - ‘Laati Kya Kohinoor'. Here we introduce another character,'Heer Sona'. He is an NRI jewel thief, who is hired to bring back the diamond to the UK."

"Wow this seems quite ambitious. It will go a long way to improve Indo-UK ties."

While all this was going on, the Southern film industry went up in arms.

"Why oh why, is the British PM favouring Bollywood. Our films in Tollywood are so much better!" said SS Rajamouli. "Our technology, our themes, better by far. We can make RRR - Richard Rajan Ramaswamy. It is a historical drama, it's a lost-and-found saga. The mother is from Chennai - she has three sons and the three sons are left at the bottom of Big Ben Clocktower. It is a lost-and-found formula film, how they three unite is the main thing," SS Rajamouli said.

"Rajanikanth, Mohanlal and Kamala Hasan are the three brothers."

In the meantime, the YRF studio executive continued-

"Our ‘Aati Kya Kohinoor' film could also end up being titled ‘DDLJ'."

"What does DDLJ stand for?"

"Diamond Diamond Le Jayenge. The second part could be ‘The Return of DDLJ", and the third part of the franchise is ‘DDLJ Strikes Back'."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com