How Mumbai parents are teaching their children about gender through story books

Author Rea Malhotra Mukhtyar reads Line Meets Line to children at the Peek-a-Book lit fest at the Museum of Solutions in 2024. Pic/special arrangement

Rudra Kini Prabhu was eight when he first saw two men kiss on TV, and didn't know what to make of it. It was the first time his mother Natasha Kini sat him down and explained that "love is love, and we are free to choose whom we love".

Natasha was determined to get it right: "We are allies. My sister is very passionate about queer rights and researched LGBTQIA+ inclusion in sports for her Master's. Rudra has met a few same-sex couples and a blended family. Besides, his peers are getting to the age when they are bound to talk about it," she says. But how is a parent to tackle complex topics like gender expression and queer identity in a way that a middle-schooler can empathise, without overwhelming them with information?

Natasha Kini and her son, Rudra, 10, explore storybooks that challenge the gender binary at the book store Kahani Tree in Prabhadevi. Pics/Atul Kamble

The answer came, as it so often does, from a book. Not a parenting manual, or a complicated treatise on gender identity. It was a children's storybook from the school library that opened up Rudra's world - The Boy in the Dress by David Walliams. It's the tale of a 12-year-old who is expelled from school for wearing dresses. In a show of solidarity, his teammates on the soccer club show up for an important match in dresses, and he helps them win.

An illustration from Ranganna. Illustration/Kavita Singh Kale

When Rudra came home and told Natasha about the novel, she asked him how he felt about it. His answer was simple: "It's his choice if he wants to wear a dress. I like that his friends stood up for him." It made Natasha realise the power of a children's storybook and sent her down a rabbit hole in search of Indian books that tackle gender and identity from a desi context.

In Baba in A Sari, a little girl and her father have fun as he puts on a sari. Illustration/Kavita Singh Kale

When we meet mother and son at Kahani Tree, a children's book store in Prabhadevi, the 10-year-old makes a beeline for the storybooks. His gaze is immediately drawn to Sadiq Wants to Stitch (Karadi Tales), written by Mamta Nainy and illustrated by Niloufer Wadia. The book never uses adult jargon like "queer", "marginalised community", or "intersectional", and yet it portrays how it's harder for a boy in the Muslim nomadic community of Bakarwals to indulge in his favourite activity because it is seen as "women's work".

Drag queen Patruni Sastry and their three-year-old child take a quick whirl while in drag

It's a similar approach with The Boy in the Cupboard, a picture book published collaboratively by Mumbai queer collective Gaysi Family and independent publisher Lettori Press. Written by Harshala Gupte and illustrated by Priya Dali, the book explores the story of a boy who hides in a cupboard because he is bullied for his gender expression. He finally "comes out" when his mother tells him she loves him no matter what.

Arushi, Kavita Singh Kale and Sangeeta Bhansali

"We didn't want it to outright read as a queer story," says Niyati Joshi, co-founder of Lettori Press, "Parents can get sceptical about having such ‘adult' conversations with their kids. So, we wanted to start with just breaking gender stereotypes - boys cannot wear skirts, or girls can't play with GI Joes, things like that. We want a future where no choice was forbidden for kids."

Rudra flips through both books in minutes. We ask him how he and others in his school would react if one of the boys were to wear a dress or say he likes to stitch. He shrugs. "No one would care… everyone should have the freedom to be who they are and do what they want."

How a child is first exposed to someone different from them can impact how they see the "other" for years to come. And that's why children's books are such an important window to diversity, says Sangeeta Bhansali, founder of Kahani Tree. The store has a separate section with books on diversity - from gender to caste to disability - titled "Celebrating Differences".

Just before our chat with her, Bhansali was speaking to a woman looking for books for her daughter. "On spotting the section, she said she appreciated the subtlety and gentleness with the books handle these topics, especially for younger children," Bhansali tells us. "These books challenge stereotypes, celebrate individuality, and encourage empathy. They open the door for meaningful conversations between children and the adults in their lives, whether parents or teachers."

Why wait till your child learns the word ‘gay' as a slur in school, or is exposed to misinformation on social media, when they can learn empathy from a storybook about an elephant that wants to paint its nails in rainbow colours? In Ranganna (written by Arthi Anand Navaneeth and illustrated by Kavita Singh Kale), when the eponymous elephant first expresses this wish, his friends laugh. But when they see how sad he gets, they agree to paint his nails.

For Patruni Sastry, a drag queen from Hyderabad who goes by Sas Who Ma onstage, picture books have been a great way to help bond with their three-year-old Abhinay. Sastry identifies as non-binary and bisexual and goes by the pronouns they/them. These are tough concepts to explain to a pre-schooler, though.

So, Sastry reads to Abhinay from Be Who You Are, a picture book by Todd Parr. It encourages children to "be a different colour… wear everything you need to be you". "As I read to him, Abhinay repeats the words back to me," says Sastry, "The book introduces the idea that people can be of any gender, they can wear anything. It represents me as a human being. Now when Abhinay sees me dressing up for my shows, he brings me my makeup blender."

Are they at all concerned about whether the books are age-appropriate? "People tend to assume that books with queer undertones will have explicit or adult themes or content. This fear is also why US schools are removing the books from their libraries. But gender is not the same as sexuality. All these storybooks talk about is how you can be anyone you want, as long as you are true to yourself. That's something we should be telling our kids anyway."

Ranganna illustrator Kale says she made the titular elephant blue as a symbol for patriarchal gender norms, such as boy = blue, girl = pink. "When Ranganna finally gets to put on nail polish, there's a rainbow in the sky. We used playful and subtle ways to send the message, so that it stays appropriate for kids," she says.

Kale has also written and illustrated Baba In A Sari, in which a father bonds with his daughter by wearing saris and putting on a fashion show for her. "It's something I have seen my own husband and daughter do. At a children's literature festival in Chandigarh, we got fathers to put on saris in a workshop. At first, they were apprehensive, but it helped them bond with their kids. That's how we change the world, one child and parent at a time."

Not just for kids

Children's Books For All was established by psychotherapist Arushi as a way to get both children and adults to address tough subjects like grief and gender identity through picture books. Recently, when the Trans Act amendment was tabled, CBA held a reading of Guthli Has Wings. the book is about a child whom the world sees as a boy, but who knows deep inside that she is a girl.

"In talking about Guthli, participants were able to talk about their own stories of identity, oppression, or feelings of being held and belonging," says Arushi. "Picture books help us imagine someone else's lived experience. It gives children a safe space to imagine: ‘Can I also express myself as freely as Guthli?' or ‘Guthli's mom was supportive, maybe I can talk about this with my parents'." As for what is age-appropriate: "Every child is at a different maturity. Parents should trust their instinct and decide when their child is ready."

A few books to try

>>  Ranganna, Tulika Books: An elephant wants to paint his nails in bright colours
>>  The Boy In The Cupboard, Gaysi Family x Lettori Press: A boy hides in the cupboard because he is bullied for his gender expression
>>  Reva and Prisha, Scholastic India: Twins Reva and Prisha have all sorts of adventures with their two moms
>>  Guthli Has Wings, Tulika Books: Guthli is told not to wear dresses but to wear her own "boys' clothes"