‘I have to undermine my identity to protect others’

Dan is a 21-year-old non-binary individual. They find that men often get insecure of their sexuality while dating non-binary folks

When Ari (they/them) was 16 years old, they came out to their friends as non-binary. Their circle was accepting. "I come from a small town, so of course, first I had to explain what being non-binary meant. But once they got it, my friends - I had three or four close friends - were very accepting," they recall.

When they came to college, Ari started exploring dating. "I am pansexual," they tell us, "I started dating much later than my peers. My first relationship was at 19."

"The previous men I dated knew that I am non-binary, and they were accepting of that. But I could tell that they still perceived me as a woman. It was an unsaid thing, but I could just tell. For example, they would always club me with other women, or introduce me with she/her pronouns," they say.

Ari, 21, still gets misgendered by even the closest of friends

Ari is one of the many non-binary people who are misgendered, misunderstood, and hurt when dating. In a city like Mumbai, with a vibrant LGBTQIA+ community and culture, many non-binary people tell us that they still struggle to find acceptance in the most intimate of places: their romantic partners.

"Sometimes, my previous boyfriends would sometimes start questioning their sexuality. They would ask me: Does dating you mean I am not straight? Their sexuality becomes the priority and not my non-binary identity. I am expected to undermine my identity because it's an ‘inconvenience'," Ari says.

Ari, now 21, is currently dating a very supportive partner. "In my previous relationships, I had to put up with misgendering a lot. But my current boyfriend is much more understanding of my identity. Even when I go through dysphoria, it's never a point of contention for us. We're getting better at communicating, and that keeps me very secure," they say.

For Siaan, 25, dating apps come with the anxiety of explaining your identity to strangers

When Ari came to Mumbai, their circle grew from a relatively smaller one in their hometown. "I had to explain my identity to many more people now. To this day, some of my closest friends misgender me," they say, "I'm not proud of this, but I've had to learn to be okay with it. A friend of mine once told me that he was scared to come talk to me because he thought he might misgender me. They say college is the best time of your life. Is it better to be lonely or choose your identity? I didn't know how to answer that question. It's not always black and white."

One time, Ari was at a party with their then-boyfriend. "He introduced me to his friends as a woman repeatedly. I just had a complete breakdown then, and I was alone. I couldn't make anyone there understand why it bothered me so much," they say.

Many non-binary get misgendered when they're dating. PIC/ISTOCK

"With a couple of boyfriends, I had to explain to them that if they date me, they're not straight. Because I am not a woman," says 21-year-old Dan (they/them). Once, they'd just started going out with a man and were struggling to find the right time to come out. "I know that I should've been honest upfront. But I knew his friends were transphobic. One day, he asked me" What does it mean that my Instagram bio has ‘they/them' next to my name? I told him sorry that I didn't bring it up earlier, but I'm non-binary. He just started yelling at me, saying that I had ‘scammed' him," they recall.

"Now I know better, I would never go out with someone who has transphobic friends. You have to learn these things as you go," Dan notes.

Being with men, especially those who have not been with non-gender conforming persons earlier, is hard. "Whenever I would date, I used to think that I'm not ‘non-binary enough'. I'm very femme-presenting. Initially, I used to have a lot of dysphoria related to that. I would think maybe I should start using binders or cut my hair off.

"But I think as I grew up, it just stopped bothering me as much. I am a person and I identify as non-binary. If someone else has a problem with it, then it's not my problem. That is what I started believing and life completely changed after that," they say.

Dating apps are another horror story though. "When I was using them, people kept asking me: What genitalia do you have?" they tell us, "Even though I'd clearly mentioned that I am non-binary, and dating apps let you choose what gender identities are your preference. Why are you here then?"

Siaan (he/they) moved to Mumbai six years ago from a small town. He says that he hates meeting people on dating apps. "When you're trans, there's so much social anxiety in meeting someone new. I would rather just not use dating apps. I end up meeting people naturally and then they become a part of my life," they say. Siaan's not much for casual dating. "It's not like I wouldn't want to," he says, "I don't do it because it just gives me so much anxiety. I have to constantly explain that I am trans and non-binary."

"I am transitioning right now and I just had my top surgery. I'm also on hormones and it changes the way your relationship with your sensuality. I am pansexual and my attraction towards men feels a little higher right now. But [often] cis men do not see other transmasculine identities as men. So it's a very tricky zone where I do not know how to approach other gay men. And I end up getting misgendered most of the time," he says.

For Siaan too, passing is a complicated subject. "I am non-binary and I don't want to pass. Even one day if I start passing, I know I will not look like a typical dude because I want my expression to be fluid."

Siaan is a multi-disciplinary artiste and a drag king. They find that there are very few people looking to date identities other than the binary. "And then you end up chasing unavailable people," they say, "Dating is such an intimate experience. For me, it's also gender-affirming care. Being called someone's ‘boyfriend' gives me so much validation."

When he was considering start ing hormone therapy, Siaan's lover didn't react too positively to it. "I was so thrown off by it. I felt so dismissed. Why is my gender-affirming care being subjected to this kind of opinion? So when the right person can become an amazing support system, the wrong person can really destroy a lot."

On their Instagram page, where they have close to 30,000 followers, "a lot of people DM me saying: I'd love to be pegged by you." "Even though I put myself out there, how can you just assume my sexual preferences?" Another issue is fetishisation. "I know that men still see me as a woman, and it's a kind of fetish for them. That is a very dysphoric experience for me," he adds.

Amid all this, Siaan has found comfort in friends. "I feel my friends are my lovers and they have been way healthier lovers to me than romantic relationships," he says, "I'm also a big believer in seeking support from art."

He's grateful to be in Mumbai. "The community is like any other one. It isn't perfect. We're messy. We make mistakes and disappoint people sometimes. But I would say that from time to time, you end up being around people who will make you feel supported. I think that's something: the city at least allows you to take up space."

What does being non-binary mean?

Non-binary describes a person whose gender identity does not fit strictly into the traditional categories of solely male or solely female. A non-binary individual might feel like a mix of both genders, somewhere between them, or entirely without gender.