Dr Love with Mid-Day: Why am I so unsure of myself!

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I seem to have lost confidence in myself, and this has affected the way I meet people. A few of my relationships have failed and the women I have been with have told me it's because of who I am and how I behave. Now, whenever I am on a date, I go out of my way to please the other person, and this makes them feel as if I don't have a voice or opinion of my own. I can't help myself because the minute I feel as if I am getting comfortable, I start to worry about whether I am creating problems the way I have with my exes. How do I become the person I used to be? I don't want to always be afraid and stop acting like myself for the wrong reasons. At the same time, I want to be a person who doesn't make those kinds of mistakes because they will prevent me from having a successful relationship in the future. How do I go about this?
Start by trying to get an understanding of where you have gone wrong, according to your ex-partners. Reach out to them, if possible, in a respectful manner. Tell them where you're coming from and ask if you can chat about what they mean in some detail. It's possible that they have had these conversations already and you haven't given it the attention it deserves but try approaching it from a different perspective. When you have a better idea of how people perceive you, and you are willing to empathise with where they're coming from, you have concrete information to work with. Confidence will come and go depending upon how sure you are about who you are, but this takes time and reflection. Sit with what you know, avoid dating until you are clear about what you want, and take things slowly. If you don't put pressure on yourself to define a date as successful or unsuccessful, you will have time to evaluate how you're behaving.

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