Dr Love with Mid-Day: Why won’t she move in with me?

Illustration/Uday Mohite

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for a little over three years. We love each other a lot and have been discussing whether or not we should take the next step and commit to marriage. This has been on both our minds lately and I believe we are ready. I recently asked her to move in with me, thinking it would be the perfect way to see how we manage to evolve as a couple, but she refused. This was a surprise to me because I didn't expect her to turn down the idea. She says she isn't okay with this, and her refusal has unexpectedly created some issues between us. We argue a lot about it now, which saddens us both. My point is that if she loves me, I feel as if she should want to live with me. She says that she loves me but won't do this until I commit to an official engagement. Is one of us being unreasonable? I don't have a problem agreeing with her, but I don't want to do it if it feels like emotional blackmail.
Why is your partner expressing her point of view an example of emotional blackmail? She has stated what works for her and you have the option of accepting or rejecting her proposal. If you want to be together, but she isn't comfortable with moving in before an official commitment, this is pretty much how all relationships evolve by negotiating space. Moving in isn't always easy and she may have valid reasons for asking you to commit. It may make more sense to empathise with her and understand where she's coming from, rather than looking at this as an example of one-upmanship. Both your lives and futures are at stake here, so why not treat the issue with more sensitivity? It may bring you both closer and teach you how to navigate other challenges that will inadvertently crop up if you decide to stay together and commit to a lifelong relationship.

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