He has put on a lot of weight...

Illustration/Uday Mohite

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years and have begun to have conversations about the future. We are sure we want to commit to a long-term relationship, but I struggle with his appearance because he has let himself go physically. I am aware of how shallow this makes me
sound, but he has only kept putting on weight over the past two or three years and refuses to take it seriously. He won't speak to a doctor or nutritionist. I have often spoken about the health hazards, the lack of exercise, and how it makes him look to other people, but he brushes off all my concerns. I am at a stage where I am not physically attracted to him anymore, which is sad because it means this relationship will start to feel forced. I don't want that to happen. How can I get him to change without coming across as a horrible person?
Caring about someone doesn't make you a horrible human being, unless the other person projects that onto you. There is no guilt that needs to be attached to asking someone to take care of themselves. If you are not happy with the way your partner looks, you are entitled to state that. If your partner believes that makes you seem shallow, it doesn't dismiss the underlying concerns behind your statement. What this boils down to is whether or not he is willing to listen and take you seriously. His health is his business, but not when it starts to have an impact on your life. At that point, the onus shifts to him because he is not giving you the respect you deserve. This then starts to become an unequal relationship. If you want to have a future together, it cannot be done without both partners working together. If he doesn't see that and does nothing to address what and how you feel, you should reconsider whether you are willing to make serious compromises in exchange for an unequal partnership.

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