My big fat politically correct column

Jan 28, 2012, 09:00 IST | Rohan Joshi

What a beautiful week. I'm so glad nothing bad happened. It started off with the Jaipur Lit Fest, a festival where ideas bubbled and frothed and India proved itself to be at the cutting edge of free speech.

What a beautiful week. I'm so glad nothing bad happened. It started off with the Jaipur Lit Fest, a festival where ideas bubbled and frothed and India proved itself to be at the cutting edge of free speech. Brave new frontiers of literature were explored by literary colossi like Suhel Seth, Chetan Bhagat and Oprah Winfrey, who gifted everyone in attendance a country at the end of her speech (Deepak Chopra is now Emperor of Tajikistan. Barkha Dutt got Montenegro).

The highlight of the festival though, was the visit by Salman Rushdie, who spoke at length about everything from the Satanic Verses (available at every bookstore near you), to his most famous work yet, Padma Lakshmi. Rushdie's visit caused some controversy, but those protesting his alleged "blasphemy" had a quiet chat with him over tea, and agreed to add each other on Facebook. Everyone then held hands and danced in a circle where they were joined by pixies, faeries, and happy little leprechauns, This was followed by a hymn for our Great Government. I love our government and think it is the greatest thing to have happened to civilization since dental care.

The week only got better when a joint team of Indian commandos and American Navy SEALS tracked down and destroyed the bigoted fundamentalist terror network Jay Leno. Leno had been on the run after his diabolical attack on the Golden Temple in Amritsar, which left four offended, twelve disgusted, and many bewildered. But the Indian government threatened America with dire consequences if this grave threat to our culture was not neutralized.

"We may occasionally be sidetracked by trivial issues like corruption, starvation and an utter breakdown in governance, but the government will never let its people down when it comes to the real burning issue that plagues India today; "the precious sentiments of Indians being decimated by the tyranny of televised comedy" said one government spokesperson, who then fell upon his own sword in protest. I say with some pride, that Jay Leno's end is a huge victory for India, common sense, and Conan O Brien.

In other news, I love our government. I think it is better than Batman. In fact, I think Rahul Gandhi is Batman.
Meanwhile, West Bengal received an award for having the safest, greatest healthcare facilities in the world. Independent inspectors were wowed by the state's involvement and concern over every single aspect of hospital management. Officials were particularly impressed by the state's emphasis on fire-safety and neo-natal care. Hospitals in West Bengal received the highest praise from investigators, who said that medical care in West Bengal was so good that no-one in the state has died since 1941. Speaking from her office in the 1970's, Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee said "Poschim Bongo is astounding, and we shall rule the world. Also, burn Ratan Tata."

This just in; Jedi Rahul Gandhi has just received a loving gift of shoes from one of his ardent devotees. Hmph, show-off. I'll give him two pairs. Then he'll love me most. Overseas there was more glory for India, as the Indian cricket team defeated Australia 6-2, 4-6, 7-5, 6-2 in the four-test series. Sachin Tendulkar was the stand-out for India, making his hundredth hundred off the first ball of the series.

Australia are reconsidering their position in world cricket after their debacle, and like all good teams that get overwhelmed by an average opposition, they're soul-searching and will in all probability, fire some senior players who seem incapable of performing anymore. No such woes for India however, as they return to the subcontinent triumphant to prepare themselves for the cricketing calendar's most prestigious event, the IPL after-party.

To close, I'd like to say, what a beautiful week it was. I wish we had more like this one. Our government is the greatest government in the world. It gives us the freedom of speech, and so everyone is happy and nothing bad ever happens. I want to marry Rahul Gandhi. I think I will enjoy having his babies. I think we will live happily ever after, and nothing bad will ever happen. After all, nothing bad ever does.

-- Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo

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