'Still pining for girl I knew 20 years ago'

Published: 12 November, 2019 08:16 IST | DR Love | Mumbai

I knew we were young, but was confident we would be together. When we broke up, it devastated me. I didn't date anyone for years.

Dr Love
Dr Love

Dr LoveI broke up with a girl I was in love with almost 20 years ago, after finding out that she had been dating someone else at the same time. I was in love and wanted to marry her. I knew we were young, but was confident we would be together. When we broke up, it devastated me. I didn't date anyone for years. I am married now, and it is not a happy marriage, because I think I still hold all women in my life to that idea of what my first girlfriend was like. I know this is unreasonable, but I feel as if I need to understand why she cheated on me. If I get some idea of why she did it, I may be able to move on. What do you suggest?

Two decades is a long time to hold on to this kind of baggage. I am not belittling the importance of that relationship or suggesting that it wasn't traumatic enough. What I am trying to get you to do is think of the person you were 20 years ago. Think of your beliefs, your likes or dislikes, and what you thought you were going to be. Compare that to where you are. We don't always know why we behave the way we do. Your girlfriend may have had a completely different idea of how serious you were. She has long moved on and presumably come to terms with her actions. To allow something like that to affect your present and possible future happiness is sad because it continues to damage you alone. You can reach out to her and ask why she did it, especially if you think it will help in any way, but do consider how change is an inevitable part of growing up. To let go is hard, but imperative if we have to move forward. Think about how this affects your wife and ask yourself if she deserves to pay for what someone did to you two decades ago.

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