Lobo Lobo was an annoyed man. "What men, bleddy men, all bunkus men," he ranted, while entering my home
llustration/Uday Mohite
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Lobo Lobo was an annoyed man. "What men, bleddy men, all bunkus men," he ranted, while entering my home.
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"Why so angry, Lobo Lobo?"
"Chhe men chhe, all dese mantris, and ministers, useless fellows, from top level to low level, telling to 'vote wisely, vote wisely, vote wisely'. Mins wot, men? Telling me to 'vote wisely'. Arre wot dey tink I'll do, men? Like I'll enter inside de voting booth, and look at all de party symbols, and den say to myself, 'Arre, hang it, men. I'll vote unwisely today, next time I'll vote wisely.' Chhe, blinking fools."
"That's why you're pissed off, Theo?"
"No men, dat's only de fust reason. See Dikuna men, in bleeding 32 degrees heat, I stood in one long queue, I got to de top of line and den dey see dat my name wasn't in dere sheets, men. Arre, I am de carrom king of Virar and dey are telling me, 'Lobo sir, maaf karo, tumhara name list mein nahin hai."
Den I only checked dere lists and found dat I am registered not under Thelonious Lobo, but Thelma Lobo. I am registered under a ladies name, men. So, I convince dem dat I am a man, not a lady, den dey allow me in. Den I realise dat de EVM doesn't work, men. Every time I pressed my candidate's symbol, it would show my vote has gone for de rival, men."
Lobo Lobo wasn't done.
"And finally, men, you know wot gets my goat, Mr Rahul?"
"No idea, Lobo Lobo."
"Okay, so dese blighters put dat dark purple mark on your nail, na? In my case, dey made it so dark and so long, dat it's become like a tattoo, men, and won't come off. I've tried Vaseline, everyting, chee, nutting works, men."
"So, that pissed you off? That a purple mark on your nail won't erase. You should wear it like a badge of honour, show it off on Facebook, that you've voted."
"No men, I have an even bigger problem. My wife Myrtle, as you know, runs a beauty parlour in Virar called We Nailed It, named by my stylo daughter Cinderella. So, bot de ladies also voted. Myrtle's purple colour mark has become red and spread over de whole finger. So, you can't believe wot idea dey took out, men. Dose two ladies have decided to make a design idea out if it. In dere beauty parlour, dey will offer de stylish memsaabs of Virar, Nalasopara, Mira Road and Bhayander and all ladies of India, a colourful range of nail designs, all based on election symbols. So, if you voted for Priya Dutt, you can have de hand symbol on your nail; if you chose Mayawati, you can have an elephant; if Mamata, it will be a flower; and if Smriti is your MP of choice, dey will paint de lotus."
"What if I chose NOTA?"
"Den just go for a simple manicure, men," said Lobo Lobo, hitting the nail on the head.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at
rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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