“Dikuna men, I just now sawed de latest Bond fillum, No Time To Die, socko action, whoaa!”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo, my cable TV guy came over last night looking reasonably dapper.
“Dikuna men, what ho… are you shaken or stirred?” he asked me with a distinctly fake Brit accent.
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“Why do I get a vague… uhm M16 vibe about you, Lobo Lobo?”
“Dikuna men, I just now sawed de latest Bond fillum, No Time To Die, socko action, whoaa!”
“Ah, Daniel Craig’s last effort, wonder who’ll replace him?”
“Arrey dere’s been so much rubbish talk… all dis over-analysing James Bond… some peepuls feel dey should make 007 into a black man… udders insisting he should now become a woman… arrey leave him alone… no one aksed Walt Disney to make Micky Mouse into a giraffe, chhe… Bond is Bond men, not 005 or 006, but 007 men!”
“Lobo Lobo… you clearly have something else on your mind?”
“No no no Bossie, not laddat… Dough I do have a ‘dinchak’ idea—see as you know some characters in Bond films are referred to by alphabets… like deres Bond’s boss… wachyocall…uhm.”
“‘M’,” I said helpfully.
“Yes, ‘M’… and den deres dat udder fallow… he also goes by anudder alphabet… he makes for Bond all dose gadgets and gizmos, cars dat fly and pens dat shoot bullets, wot is it… ahhhh yes, ‘Q’!”
“‘Q’ stands for Quartermaster,” I offered.
“So sumtimes de alphabet is de initial of a name like ‘M’ and sumtimes it is de job dey perform, like ‘Q’.”
“Where are you going with this?”
“You see I want to add a new character to de Bond franchise, a character called ‘L’.”
“‘L’? As in ‘L’ for Lobo?” I enquired.
“No not me, chhe, ‘L’ stands for sumting else… L is for Ladies,” he announced.
“Ah, and what does ‘L’ do, what’s its function?” I asked aghast.
“‘L’’s job is to help Bond wid de ladies!”
“Lobo Lobo, he doesn’t need help with the fairer sex, he is quite capable… if you’ve noticed… over 40 years,” I smiled.
“No men, you don’t follow, ladies are always landing him in problems, it’s a Achilles Heel for him… 50 per cent of de time dey are an ally and 50 per cent time dey are enemies, for every one lady he has ‘action’ wid, dere is one trying to off him.”
“So you’re seeing another character called ‘L’ accompanying Bond at all times, like Batman/Robin, Holmes/Watson?”
“No no Dikuna men, ‘L’ is not a person, it is a small robot, like Alexa or R2D2 from ‘Star Wars’ , who Bond carries around in his suit pocket—whenever Bond encounters a lady, dis little robot comes to life.
He gives him verbal or vibration warnings or signals. ‘L’ will indicate to him if a lady is romantically interested or is alternately a ruthless spy. So, when he approaches a dame at a bar who’s giving dat ‘come hidder look’, ‘L’ will whisper, using his razor sharp X-Ray eyes, ‘James, be careful she has put a sleeping tablet in your Martini!’ or ‘Bond be careful, she has a pistol in her handbag’.”
“I see,” I said.
“‘L’ can figure which lady Bond can trust or can’t, who is a terrorist or who is a temptress, he knows instinctively if she’s a ‘Bond Girl’ to be ‘patoaed’ or if she’s a bad girl to be wary of or if she’s just Badass.”
“Sounds amazing, Lobo Lobo, and what will ‘L’ look like, I’m hoping it’s a beautiful Barbie doll-like robot?”
Lobo Lobo suddenly went quiet. “No men, it’s not a lady, it’s actually a replica of me.”
I gulped.
“Right and you want to add this ‘L’ robot to be introduced in the next Bond film?”
“Yes Dikuna men, I have a title too for the film—it’s ‘Dial ‘L’ for Ladies’.”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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