“See men, wot wot all ‘damaal’ is happening in my building!”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo, my cable TV technician, came over very distraught, his eyes blazing like Ms Marvel.
“Why so hassled, my friend!”, I observed.
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“Too much is happening, men... wotto tell… socko tenshun.”
“Uhm Lobo Lobo… that’s a very vague statement.”
“See men, wot wot all ‘damaal’ is happening in my building!”
“Care to explain, Lobo Lobo?”
“See Dikuna men, big society I live in... Shakuntala Co-operative Housing Society Ltd, Virar (W)… we are tree blocks men, wing A B and C. Nearly 160 flats and members… so now dat de pandemic has got little little slow, we had de elecshuns last week!”
“So what’s so unusual about your situation?”
““Okay Bossie, here’s the thing, twenty candidates stood to be on de managing committee, I ‘toh’ won, and have been made de Honorary Secretary of de society.”
“Wow that’s some honour, going smoothly I hope?”
“Dikuna men, stop interrupting, lemme complete na! Everyting is not smood sailing, dere is one total ‘harami’ fallow, Champaklal Chunilalal Chordaar, my ‘padosi’ actually, he got secund number of votes… he’s now a hurdle, he’s standing in my way, he’s de ‘Chairperson’. He is very hungry for my post…solid ‘ungli master’ he is…”
“What’s he been upto?”
I enquired “Dat rascal wants to spend society funds for all unnecessary and personal tings…he wants to give our building for re-development to his cuzzin who is a corrupt builder, he wants to make one state-of-de-art gym, we have no place, I told him, where you’ll build it on my head or wot… so he wants to take over de building, ‘kabzao’ all de reserves, put his dirty fingers in de trust fund... and oni I, Thelonious Lobo is standing in his way.”
“That’s very unfortunate!” I commiserated.
“Arrey men, I was properly elected to Hon Secy, I got 100 votes to his 48 …fair and square I won… den he tried all kinds of fowl play to get de BMC to hold fresh elections! Convinced dem dat I rigged de polls.. .dat I buyed some members, de worse ting- dey have agreed, he has ‘ungli maroed’ and ‘pao-padoed’ and ‘given big big toks’ to 50 members… who are backing him! Chhe all my plans for de building are now gone ‘bardad’! De new election date in next Sunday.”
I felt for my cable TV tech guy.
“Fudermore, Chordaar, doesn’t want dese 50 tenants to be influenced… so he rounded dem all up and took dem to a resort in Guwahati… All dose harami fallows… Kyrus Nallaseth his horse racing punter friend from sixt floor, flat 66, den dat Bhajiyabhai Bhasin, from full tenth floor, owns full penthouse, he’s Chordaar’s poker partner… den dat Paintal Parpiani, the dandiya king, organises ‘jinchak’ shows, Falguni Pathak types, all over Maharashtra. Dese villains are ganging up against me, and now dey are holed up in hotel rooms, planning strategy!”
“This scenario sounds strangely familiar.”
“Den guess what, he chartered a plane dis morning, and flew all dese rebels to Goa... whattey cheek, dey are partying in my home state! He has booked one full resort on Canacona Beach, 40 rooms dey have occupied and are bleddy playing TT and beach volleyball and jumping into de pool wid all dere clodes on and drinking blinking Pina Coladas with dose tingoo umbrellas in de glass… all at his cost.”
Lobo Lobo looked crestfallen.
“My friend, you have singlehandedly frightened the hell out of this man, and his rebel ‘chamchas’. Cheer up! To guarantee you win the re-election, you’ll need to do a floor test to confirm your numbers of supporters and votes,” I advised.
“Already done de floor test, Dikuna men!”
“That was quick, Lobo Lobo!”
“Yes. All de floors in de building are wid me—ground floor upwards, secund, tird, fift, sixt and tent floors are all guaranteed, I’ll give you in writing!”, Lobo Lobo, concluded.
I was wordless.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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