Caution: Family may kill

At 1128 am on Monday Harish Mehta 60 and Jay Mehta 33 father and son were seen walking on platform no 6 at Bhayandar station Harish walks in long quick strides and seems agitated Jayrsquos footsteps are deliberate his shoulders tense When the duo reaches the end of the platform Harish is the first to try to get onto the tracks Jay gives his father a hand and follows him frantically As he catches up Jay grabs Harishrsquos right arm as if to shake him out of the step he is about to takeTherersquos an oncoming train and Jay pulls his father to the left to safety Harish snaps tugs his son to the right They lie down on the ballast and cement sleepers drenched by Mumbairsquos longawaited monsoon and position their necks on the trackPolice has been questioning the only surviving member of the Mehta familymdashJayrsquos bride of just six monthsmdashat their Nalasopara home Harishrsquos wife passed away in 2017 Harish worked in the stock market and Jay was a sales professional The police found nothing out of the ordinary in the Mehta home Except the note in Harishrsquos pocket that says that no one should be blamed for their death there are no clues to what led them to take this extreme stepManju Kapur authorldquoWe didnrsquot find anything odd or suspicious in the Mehta homerdquo said Crime PI Ganpat Tumbada of Vasai railway police ldquoJayrsquos wife told us the family was financially strong and none of the members had any loans She said they lived happily together without any disagreementsrdquoItrsquos a case that shocked us even though it shouldnrsquotSuicide contagion is a complex and rare phenomenon and the joint Indian family can be the perfect breeding ground The syndrome refers to an individualrsquos death by suicide triggering another person This could happen because the second person identifies strongly with the challenges and mental state of the first person and is driven to the same fatal choiceldquoA suicide pact is a complex issue considering its sensitive naturerdquo says Deepti Puranik Forensic psychologist and Assistant professor psychology NMIMS University ldquoAnalysis of past cases of suicide pacts has indicated interconnectedness of multiple factors such as biological environmental and social factors that push individuals to the extreme steprdquoRecent studies show that 50 to 90 per cent of individuals who die by suicide also suffer from mental illnessesThe traditional family system where one lives with parents or in a joint family has long been defended by its proponents for the emotional support it offers However incidents such as these demonstrate that sometimes that may not be enough Increasing and unprecedented challenges faced by one member of the family could make depression contagiousldquoThe traditional Indian family support system is evolvingrdquo says Bhavna Barmi a senior clinical psychologist relationship therapist and digital mental health provider ldquoUrbanisation increased mobility and changing societal norms have reduced closeknit support structures While families still provide support individualism and nuclear family setups have weakened the traditional safety net compared to a decade agordquoIn recent years Indiarsquos lack of attention to the countryrsquos mental health crisis has led it to top the wrong kind of charts For example back in 2016 the World Health Organisation WHO came out with a report in which India had the highest suicide rate in South Asiamdash165 suicides per 100000 one lakh people This was followed by Sri Lanka with 146 suicides followed closely by Thailand 144 for every 100000 as well Our very own National Crime Records Bureau NCRB report released in April contained insight on this mental health crisismdashthe national suicide rate is at 124 people for every 100000And this contagion can circulate quickly in a closeknit family So it comes as no surprise kin are catching dispiritedness and melancholy from each other ldquoDepression can be contagious within a family due to shared environments and emotional contagionrdquo adds Barmi ldquoPreviously a family member might have pulled another out of depression With changing family dynamics such support systems may not be as strong leading to a higher spread of depression among members People are facing unprecedented challenges such as unemployment and financial stress without adequate tools to deal with themrdquoDeepti Puranik Forensic Psychologist Saurabh Bhavna Barmi and Achina MayyaBarmi adds that even cult leaders may influence families ldquoFaced with heightened stress and uncertainty families turn to spiritual leaders for guidance and comfort in challenging times sometimes overrelying on them for critical decisionsrdquo she says This brings to mind the grim Burari case where 11 members of a family in Delhi died by suicide as they felt that the deceased father was speaking to the family via his son 45yearold Lalit ChundawatIn light of this it is understandable that many individuals have left toxic home environments A 35yearold Mumbai mental health professional told us she was born to a father who didnrsquot want a daughter and she felt that acutely growing up ldquoI was very attached to my mother who died when I was 15rdquo she says ldquoI continued to live with my father for 12 more years because I thought he may love or respect me one day But he had his own trauma and was a narcissistrdquoShe eventually left the family by marrying but when her husband passed away she didnrsquot go back to the family home ldquoI continue to live with my inlaws even though my father messages me and calls me because I know that living with him would hurt merdquo she says ldquoEven if I am very happy he sucks it out of me My mental health is more important than this shallow notion of lsquohe is my familyrsquordquoThe mindfulness coach has undergone therapy to heal her inner child ldquoI understand where his patterns come from but I want to live my life and he can live hisrdquo she says firmlyThis may go against the whole fibre of the Indian family system and the dictum of lsquoItrsquos all about loving your familyrsquo but for many in the queer community itrsquos choosing life Saurabh a Thane resident who counsels many in the community says many queer folk leave home as itrsquos physically and mentally unsafe ldquoThey have two choices leave and live safely and authentically or stay on and follow what the family saysrdquo he says ldquoMany are made to marry the gay away Or marry and keep their sexual orientation on the down lowAs a result most gay Indian men are married thatrsquos the truth A toxic family doesnrsquot necessarily need to be a violent one but it could be an environment where you cannot be yourselfrdquoIn the Indian tradition many children are seen as extensions of the parent responsible for bringing honour and respect to the family In her YouTube video titled lsquoWhy are Indian families controllingrsquo Achina Mayya cofounder AEOS and Aevy TV cites a global HSBC report called The Value of Education that says 51 per cent of Indian parents would rather have career excellence for their children than mental wellbeing ldquoIn our research we found that most parents donrsquot see children as individuals in their own right Itrsquos a collectivist society which is status drivenrdquo she says This is backed even by the almost 1000 comments to her videomdashmost young people said they feel heard and seen and many agreed with Mayyarsquos observation that their interactions with parents feel like sales pitchesldquoYou have to negotiate as they also come from a certain conditioningrdquo she says ldquoIf you ease their anxiety they can be more conducive to your way of thinkingrdquoAuthor Manju Kapur master of weaving tales about the Indian family with books such as Home and Difficult Daughters says that there are no simple answers to complex events like the Mehta suicides ldquoFamily situations are complex and living in cities like Mumbai where space is less makes it worserdquo she tells us First there is still a stigma against seeking therapy secondly this is not a problem you can deal with alone ldquoModern stressors are complexrdquo says Barmi ldquoand traditional methods may not suffice There is a need for contemporary strategies and professional support to tackle these effectivelyrdquoldquoOf course it runs in families but it can also happen if you live alonerdquo Kapur says ldquoWhat the Mehtas did will cast a lasting shadow on those of their family but they must have been under extreme stress But this happens many times across class and education My MA thesis was on Hungarianborn author and journalist Arthur Koestler who died in a suicide pact with his wife who was 20 years younger than himSo you die and take your partner with you In India itrsquos more a parentchild thing When adults are unhappy they promptly kill their children as wellrdquoLike love and hate are two sides of the same coin so are support and toxicity ldquoYou have inroads into someonersquos mind and you can either be constructive or destructiverdquo she says ldquoIn India children are meant to be reflections of their parents and sometimes it justgoes too farrdquo51 per centParents focus on their childrenrsquos career over mental heath wellness124No of suicides for every 1 lakh personInputs from Shirish Vaktania