‘Sex is at the tip of everyone’s tongue’

The gay gaze

If sex is to be had only with a married partner, what of those who cannot get married? Queer student, Rohan Singh, 22 [name changed] says, “On one hand the Supreme Court’s statement is exclusionary. But on the other hand, if you’re saying you don’t understand why I would have sex before marriage, then let me get married. I will wait till marriage to have sex then.”

Singh argues that such statements show how out of touch our courts are. “Sex is not seen as a recreational activity that fulfils a need. It’s viewed only as something you do to have children. Gay sex stands at clear odds with that idea. It’s an example of people who want to have sex where there is no possibility of reproduction,” he says. 

‘It’s important to test your chemistry’

Khushi Singh

Khushi Singh, 25, PR executive
This is so George Orwell — you’re sleeping, you’re eating, and the government is watching. If this bill gets passed, today it’s marriage, tomorrow it could be bathing, peeing, anything” says 25-year-old PR executive Khushi Singh, talking about Gujarat government’s proposal, adding, “Such a proposal goes against Article 21 Right to Life, which includes Right to Privacy.”

Singh is empathetic to the cause of protecting women, however, “curbing freedom never leads to protection. What it does lead to, is further harassment,” she says, “If you want to ensure that your children are safe, you should arm them with information. Create an open atmosphere at home.”

Singh also points to this hypocrisy: “If the government mandates me to get my parents’ permission before getting married, then they should also be held responsible if the marriage doesn’t work out. If a marriage fails, are parents safeguarding you legally? No. But they still want control over whom you marry.”

For Singh, sexual chemistry is a must for marriage. “It plays a big role in my happiness and also in my partner’s. If we can talk together, cry together, eat together, why can’t we have sex together?” 

Navigating sex as a young person is hard as it is. Adding shame only worsens the problem. “Someone I know recently went through an abortion, and their family is not aware of it. We handled it as best as we could. But imagine if her family had known. They could have supported her financially and emotionally,” Singh says, “When your family supports you, there is a different level of confidence while dealing with problems.”

What are the kids saying?

Anju Kish

Anju Kish, Sex educator
IF the CDC reports from the US are to be believed, Gen Z is far less sexually active than older generations. About three decades ago, more than half of teens said they’d had sex. In 2021, 30 per cent of teens said they had ever had sex. But does this hold true in India too?

Sex educator Anju Kish explains, “The definition of sex has changed. This generation is very aware that penetrative sex can lead to pregnancy. So, oral sex is at a peak. They see it as safe, not leading to pregnancy, and also as a way of preserving their ‘virginity’, as they don’t classify oral sex as ‘real sex’,” says the founder of UnTaboo, a safety and sex education company. The fallacy with oral sex is that, “Gen Z doesn’t consider the heightened risk of STIs. Another thing is that masturbation is at a peak. We are constantly seeing addiction to porn and masturbation, often alongside the use of sex toys for self-pleasure. Because of this, they may not feel as much need for partners.”

‘I want to save myself’

Suhana Saha, 19, Student at Mithibai College, Vile Parle
When in college, Saturday nights call for a rager. Everyone is mingling, kissing, dreaming of sex. “Whenever you meet friends, the first topic you discuss is your love life. You ask, ‘How many people have you hooked up with?’ Not that there is anything wrong in hooking up. It’s just not for me,” says Suhana Saha, 19. 

How big of a deal is sex in her peers? Saha says, “Earlier, your first kiss felt like a huge milestone. Now people just want to check it off their list. It feels like a rat race. Sex is at the tip of everyone’s tongue.” Saha is a staunch feminist. “I don’t resonate with trad wives. I’m on the left side of the political spectrum. But sex is a spiritual act for me. I’m not saving myself for religious or misogynistic reasons. My understanding of sex is just different.”

When she is on a night-out with friends, men approach her with certain expectations. “I dress very alternatively in a goth style. Men approach me assuming that I’ll have sex with them. When I say I’m not interested, they say, ‘Oh, I thought girls who dress like this are into sex’ or ‘You sound boring’.”

What do men say?

For Mrinal, the problem lies in men who will fool around but wish for a virgin bride

Mrinal, 25, Filmmaker and teacher
Aspiring filmmaker Mrinal identifies as a feminist. He says, “The Supreme Court is thinking from an old-world view. Marriage doesn’t guarantee that the person will be good. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be marital rape or domestic violence.” Personally, he feels people should get to know a partner before engaging in sexual activities because most men enter into relationships only with the motive of sex. “I feel there should be a deadline like say three years — where you say, ‘You cannot touch me before this time period.’ You can go out and spend as much time together as you want, but please don’t engage in any physical intimacy. I’ve heard many girls say after a relationship, “I feel devastated. That guy only used me for sex. This kind of things leaves lifelong trauma.”

For Mrinal, the problem lies in men who themselves fool around but wish for a virgin bride. “That is something I really hate. Some men around me have admitted that when they want sex, they fool girls, manipulate them, gaslight them,” he says, “So they assume that any girl who has had sex must have experienced men like them. That’s why they want to marry only a virgin girl who hasn’t been ill treated by anyone, someone they can regard as only their property.”

What’s the context?

Audrey D’mello

Advocate Audrey D’mello, Women’s rights lawyer
A bench of Justices BV Nagarathna and Ujjal Bhuyan was hearing the bail plea of a man accused of rape on the false promise of marriage, a category of cases that has long occupied a legal grey area.

Women’s rights lawyer Audrey D’mello explains that the case required the court to determine whether a woman’s consent was “vitiated” — obtained through deception. “Rape is defined as sex against a woman’s will or without consent. But if someone agrees to sex based on deception, such as a false promise of marriage, a job, the law treated that as vitiated consent,” she says.

Before 2024, such cases were often prosecuted under IPC Section 376 (rape). The Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita (BNS) now introduces Section 69, creating a separate offence for sexual relations obtained through false promises of marriage, so that such cases do not automatically fall under rape.

During the hearing, however, the Court questioned the complainant’s decision to travel with the accused and remarked that it “failed to understand how they could indulge in a physical relationship before marriage”. 

D’mello criticises the observation as judicial overreach. “As the Supreme Court — the highest court in the country — how can you make such a moralistic remark? Judges are expected to examine whether consent was vitiated and decide guilt accordingly, not issue moral guidance,” she says, “To send this kind of message in this day and age is appalling. It goes against the Constitutional principle that I can choose to have sex, but I should not be deceived, coerced, or violated.”

On the Gujarat government’s proposal requiring couples to declare whether they have informed their parents before registering a marriage, D’mello adds that the measure is still a proposal under public consultation and not yet law. She notes, “This law will blatantly violate Constitutional rights of an adult to choose who they want to marry. There is an ongoing narrative of ‘love jihad’; that there is this boogie Muslim man who is targeting our women. When the reality is that when women choose inter-caste and inter-faith relationships are thrown out of communities, ostracised, and honour-killed.”