What does the opposite sex think about posts on sexual harassment and confessions from perpetrators? Friends for seven years — Sanket Sharma, Arnesh Ghose, Juie and Delnaz Divecha — discuss the issue with Anju Maskeri
What was your response when you first read the responses that were coming in for #MeToo and #SoDoneChilling?
Juie: When I learnt that people are opening up about their own assault stories, I didn't comment right away. Sometimes, I fear that there's a sudden spurt of interest in a topic and it dies equally fast. This is why I didn't post anything. While I haven't been through something as serious as assault, I was disturbed by the stories I read. In fact, one of the first posts said that instead of women, it's men who should speak up with the #metoo hashtag on the instances when they have catcalled a woman.
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Delnaz: I wasn't surprised by the campaign. This is a regular Tuesday for a woman. We can't just narrow it down to one particular instance, it happens on a daily basis — right from a guy poking his elbow when you're in a bus or leching at you when you are standing on a railway station platform. And, it's not just men. When women see other women smoking a cigarette on the road, they stare at her. If she's wearing a short dress, they stare. I think I got over it a long time ago and have, by now, started filtering these things out of my mind.
Sanket: This makes me uncomfortable. That women have gotten used to it. It's something you should not get used to at all. It's unsettling.
Delnaz: It's not that I never react. There have been times when I have retaliated with a 'Kya dekh raha hai?' To this, the man responded with, 'Mein dekhoonga, meri aankhein hai'. I was shocked at his cheek, I wanted to tell him, 'Mere paas haath hai, toh main maru kya?'
Arnesh: I have a problem with women not wanting to ruffle feathers. If you're choosing to not do anything about it, I have a problem.
But, how easy is it to speak against misogyny, especially when it happens within your own friend circle?
Arnesh: Anybody who knows me, knows that I am a staunch feminist and they usually don't have such conversations around me. I work at a men's magazine and it's not uncommon to hear both women and men being judgmental or objectifying women. I do speak out, but have often had my colleagues respond with "Calm the f*** down".
Do you feel that men don't see certain behaviour as harassment?
Sanket: A lot of men around me were surprised at the deluge of women reporting stories of assault. I think they love to turn a blind eye to this. On one side they catcall and on the other, they tend to be in denial.
Delnaz: What's shocking is the way it's being normalised. The Managing Partner of Ogilvy India Chandana Agarwal put up a post in which she has said that acts like grabbing and pinching aren't abuse. That these are experiences of growing up anywhere in the world. This is what has normalised assault.
Arnesh: I have zero faith in social media campaigns. I work in a digital media firm and I know that all we want is numbers. Once that's in, the advertisers are out of the picture.
Juie: But, I think it's a good thing that women are sharing stories. Also, it's important that they call that person out. That's when you're doing something more meaningful. I think unless we call out that cousin or that uncle who's done it, nothing will change.
Delnaz: But there's fear of a backlash. For instance, when stuff goes wrong on a date, people blame you. The woman is asked, "why did you go out with him?" The common perception seems to be that when you sign up for a date, you're giving the guy licence to do what he wants. That's where the issue of consent comes in.
Arnesh: I get to decide what is assault for me. A lot of women, when they heard of the assault allegations against Khodu Irani [owner of High Spirits in Pune], said "the guy's just like that". He might be a nice guy for you, but not for me. If I think it's offensive, it's offensive. So, back off.
Delnaz: I was horrified at those stories. Atleast the #MeToo campaign has got people talking about it.
Juie: Again, we have talked about this a million times. When the Nirbhaya case happened, there were marches and protests.
Delnaz: Agreed, but people never shared personal stories. So many of my friends have started sharing stories about harassment at the workplace: "my male boss was creepy, my female boss was creepier". That something that's considered so hush hush is now being talked about is good. Maybe, that's a good thing. So tomorrow when you want to talk about something serious, you won't be afraid -- there's someone to hear you out.
Sanket: I think the only way out is to keep talking about it and initiating dialogue. I know the campaigns might stop. But that talk has to continue.
Juie: Yes. You have to bring in change at an attitudinal level that's far beyond social media.
How do you respond when words like rape, slut or bitch are used loosely in conversations?
Delnaz: I think you need to own these words. I use bitch all the time —what does it mean? A female dog. What's wrong in being called that? Slut is a woman who has a lot of sex, what's wrong with that? I'd rather throw "HR employee" back at you.
Arnesh: I think Vagina Monologues ruled it. They made the audience repeat c**t and I saw how the men squirmed when it's a word they use all the time.
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