Love, sex and everything in between: Seema Anand’s 'Speak Easy' reframes intimacy and agency

The book addresses the complex expectations of modern relationships. representation pics/istock

Seema Anand's decision to dedicate her new book, Speak Easy (Bloomsbury Publishing India) that explores relationships through the lens of intimacy to her children is a telling one. Over a phone call from London, where she now resides, the 62-year-old mythologist and the internet's favourite intimacy curator tells us that her biggest reason for stepping into the space was so that her children "don't have to grow up in a world where these vital conversations must be held behind closed doors, are shrouded with judgment and the resultant misconceptions, and create illusions of guilt." That's why, her work goes beyond the typically discussed topics pertaining to sex and delves into the quieter subplots that exist just outside the realm of public discourse but are never really investigated.

It is imperative that parents openly and sensitively introduce their children to topics of sex and intimacy at an appropriate age

Interestingly, Anand didn't always intend to be a sex educator. "My background in the study of the Kama Sutra and the erotic texts of ancient India led me to receive several questions about ‘what does the Kama Sutra say about this'. I then realised that more than simply a question, this was also a search for validation. The people asking me wanted an answer rooted in wisdom older than themselves. That quest seems quite at odds with what the world tells us about sexual desire - that it is ‘against our culture' or a form of ‘Western corruption'. And so, people were looking for reassurance that their needs were also recognised in their own traditions," she elaborates.

Colouring outside the lines

Anand's co-author for this project is Dr Anvita Madan-Bahel, a psychosexual and relational expert. Their association began with a podcast the two co-host, through which both realised the crying need for a safe space where people could share what they were going through, without fear of judgment. "In the absence of these spaces, most people mistakenly believe that they are the only ones who have ever experienced something like this. That nagging feeling of isolation soon turns into self-doubt.

Ancient sculptures from the Khajuraho Temples in Madhya Pradesh, depict varied elements regarding sexual intimacy found in the Kama Sutra. Pic courtesy/Wikimedia Commons

They think something is wrong with them for thinking or feeling the way they are, or engaging in the acts that they want to," Anand says. When delving into tougher topics such as fantasies and taboos, the authors take a measured approach to balance the duality of desire with consent, respect and boundaries. The idea of a partner giving in to another in an effort to please them, even if you aren't 100 per cent on board with the act is something Anand actively discourages. "My approach is always one of communication, of honesty and of being conscious and mindful of the other's comfort levels," she says.

Modern love

Seema Anand

Atypical relationships, including polyamory and throuples, are another area that the book explores. For anyone who's recently been on a dating app, these terms may ring an unpleasant bell. Anand, however, clarifies that mono-poly relationships - where the more powerful partner (typically a wealthy man of high standing) had multiple partners, who were expected to monogamously ‘belong' to the former. And while she notes that monogamy and polyamory exist on a spectrum, much like other sexual orientations, she also warns that "not everyone is built for a mono-poly relationship. This isn't some hormone-fuelled free-for-all where you jump into bed with whoever you like.

Polyamory demands a great deal of emotional maturity, a deep understanding of shifting boundaries, and an ongoing commitment to consent and communication." For those eager to make the ‘switch', she lays down different considerations that must be made and rules laid out for the arrangement to work. "From how much time each partner gets, to the financial implications, to sexual health, it is important to establish ground rules so that the relationship is fair and healthy. The emphasis in the term ethical non-monogamous relationship is on the word ‘ethical'. Disclosure is not the same as permission," she adds.

Intersections of love

One of the most important takeaways from the book is that intimacy does not exist in isolation. It navigates centuries'-old undercurrents of social structures, including patriarchy and gender roles. It tackles notions of shame, various myths surrounding the nature of intercourse and what each partner's roles in a relationship are.

"The anthropologist Carol Vance examines how female sexuality has been managed through the regulation of ‘good' and ‘bad' bodies in her seminal anthology, Pleasure and Danger: Exploring Female Sexuality. A woman who enjoys sex is already breaking one taboo; if she cannot please a man exactly the way he expects, she is made to feel defective. There is almost no mainstream sex education that teaches men to understand their own arousal patterns, or to recognise that sensation and performance can vary with context, age, emotional connection, or even the pace of stimulation. Instead, if sex is not working, we put it on the woman - she is ‘too wet', ‘too wide', ‘too used', ‘too inexperienced'," Anand writes.

She adds also that even when accurate sex education is made available, the vast majority of it is narrated in antiseptic ‘biological' terms that almost alienate the people who are the most important part of the discussion. "Ultimately, the goal of this book is for people to feel safe. No matter what their orientation is, what their fantasies are, or what life stage they are at, what their relationships look like, they should have access to reliable and relatable information that serves as a guidepost - without judgment or prejudice," she signs off.