Why are Indians still lagging behind when it comes to learning the rules of the intimacy game? Here’s what we found out from Aili Seghetti, a Mumbai-based intimacy coach, who’s now writing a book on this scenario
Dating apps have significantly expanded the Indian dating pool. Representational Pics/iStock
India not only gave the world the Kamasutra, a book on love, finding a partner, building relationships, and the art of lovemaking, but also countless Bollywood films that taught an entire generation the A-Z of love at first sight, and romance in its purest form. It is, therefore, surprising that when Ipsos, a global market research and consulting firm, released its Love Life Satisfaction 2025 survey on Valentine’s Day, it revealed that only 57 per cent of the Indian population experiences satisfaction in their sexual or romantic lives. The survey, conducted in 30 countries with over 23,765 participants, provided a rough idea of how countries generally romanticised in media ranked lower on the scale, with France at 71 per cent, and South Korea and Japan at the bottom with 59 per cent and 56 per cent respectively.
All sex, no talk
These statistics offer much food for thought for Aili Seghetti, the Finnish founder of The Intimacy Curator (TIC), who has been living in India for 18 years. Seghetti, we learnt, is currently working on a book, nudged by such observations in her adopted country. The Mumbai-based Seghetti believes that most Indians fail to establish basic communication channels and boundaries with their partners, leading to an increase in paid sexual relationships among men and women. It was this trend that prompted her to begin writing this book.
Aili Seghetti
“Men are also socialised to process feelings through sex instead of conversations. Indian men prefer going to sex workers because they wish to maintain the status quo, but, unlike women, feel empowered enough to reach out for pleasure,” states Seghetti, revealing further that messages around manhood and sex and socio-economic factors like migration and high cost of living have also made many young girls opt for paid relationships; receiving financial support and gifts in exchange of romantic or sexual services, making the supply of paid experiences more available.
Ask about your partner’s likes and dislikes before making a move
Started in 2020, TIC offers one-on-one coaching for couples struggling with physical or emotional intimacy as well as workshops and events for people of all genders and sexual orientations. Having worked for dating app brands during her stint at research and brand strategy agencies, she gained extensive experience that sparked her interest in this field. From dating within one’s social circle to expanding their horizons with the advent of dating apps in early 2012, Seghetti witnessed a massive shift in the Indian dating pool, which became increasingly digital during the COVID-19 pandemic. “It has now become the Amazon of love, where people are now treated like commodities,” she states.
Loss of intimacy
While dating apps opened multiple doors for people to choose their ideal partner, Seghetti believes they created a narrow alleyway for individuals to showcase their true selves. “Due to the huge wave of positive psychology, people are forced to present the best version of themselves, leaving no space for fun or joyful experiences. Most people choose to vent, seek emotional support or ask dating queries on AI platforms such as ChatGPT instead of human beings to avoid coming off as vulnerable, down or depressed. This makes it even more complex for people to build romantic relationships and form a physical and emotional bond.”
On a positive note, she believes people are already resolving the issue by going back to the basics: “People are putting less pressure on romantic relationships by reaching out to friends instead. Many who grew up with the notion that meeting someone and falling in love is more important than other kinds of relationships are now joining like-minded groups where they can discuss their concerns openly without fearing judgment. This is a positive sign and a right step in the direction,” Seghetti signs off. Her future plans involve teaching consent experientially and helping people explore alternative forms of intimacy beyond penetrative sex.
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How to make consent and intimacy sexy?
1 Ask what kind of emotional or physical intimacy the person is interested in. Some might be okay with holding hands, others with sex. Some will be happy to share their feelings with you, while others will take time. We are all different, and we should be curious about these differences instead of aiming for a one-night stand. Share yours; reciprocity is essential when building intimacy.
Take accountability and check your partner’s healing process
2 Know what makes people feel uncomfortable so that you know not to make that wrong move immediately. Some will not be okay kissing, some with PDA, others would prefer oral sex. Identify hard limits with simple conversations about dislikes.
3 Ask about their best past experiences (emotional and physical) and what made them the best. It will provide you with more information about what people might be open to trying with you.
4 Discuss how they repair when things go wrong. It’s essential to share intimacy with people who take accountability seriously, can express regret and ask you what you need to feel better. We all repair and receive care differently.
5 Embrace rejection and find out what made them reject you or your wants. Often, it’s not about you but the other person’s context. It will also provide you with a valuable insight into what to change in your approach next time.
38%
Indians “very satisfied” with their partner/spouse in a relationship
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