How India's youth are dating

Everyone is looking for a hot date 24 hours to Valentines Day Finding one means grappling with a lot of baggage Bhairavi Jhaveri finds out how Indias young go about finding a match and why theyd rather chill than commitAccording to anthropologist Helen Fishers findings Bollywood couple Saif and Kareena share an ExplorerDirector relationship Saif is the dopaminedriven Explorer a risktaker who is spontaneous curious and adaptable Kareena is the testosteronefuelled Director u2014 focused ambitious daring and independent According to Fishers model it is not an ideal match but can work if they learn to work around each others very different needs First dates are like job interviews with cocktails miffs Carrie Bradshaw in the hit TV series Sex and the City If the woman who knows good sex can find dating an excruciating experience what are the chances of the lessactive lot enjoying their search for a life partner love a good date a fun dinner to make it a remotely relevant exercise And yet most of them are almost always hoping to meet someone interesting or just new and asking friends to set them up A date is a casual distractionOn a poll carried by us on social networking site Facebook 69 of respondents admitted to dating only for casual distractions or simply to network Only a fearless few admitted to seeking a longterm partner Even members on matrimonial websites are not in a hurry today an undercover activity proved They dont always intend to get hitched with candidates they shortlist they could be seeking a date someone they can hang out with and see where that goesToo much choice hardly any pressure Its just that we have more options today says Anubhav Pal writer of Chaos Theory a recent play that captured the story of a couple from the 70s who were in love while in college but incapable of admitting it until 30 years later Pal says the innocence is lost thanks to the liberal society we live in Earlier a simple meeting at a tea stall would merit goosebumps Now there are more desires and needs Notions of absolute love are uncommon he says The advantage now is that you can hold out till you are absolutely sure Nobodys pressurising you Dekhte hain youth saysAs the whydoyouwanttodate question remains looseended so does the purpose of an entire relationship Ameeta Sanghavi Shah a relationship expert based in Mumbai says the confusion stems from the existence of more than one idea Unlike earlier a relationship today doesnt have to always end in marriage It is not predecided Some prefer exclusivity others keep it casual and open The youngster today is much more individualistic unafraid to voice demands and seeks a personalprofessional balance They are turning into perfectionists Most want their partners to be highachievers but refuse tou00a0 compromise on leisure time spent together They demand personal space but dont want to be deprived of romantic attention either says Shah 40 of whose clientele includes singles ridden with relationship issues The change in the terminology of a relationship is the biggest change in the dating scenario Lets see how it goes is what the youth are telling each other Commitments are better kept at bay What rulesThere are fewer inhibitions which is a darn good thing because hypocrisy doesnt stand a chance says author Rupa Gulab whose chicklit book Girl Alones protagonist is a single independent working girl in urban India Relationships are shortterm with couples getting into an understanding they make their own rules There may not be longterm commitment and they are involved to a point where both are comfortable Not much chivalry but men pay for women 90 of the time But restaurant owners and nightclub managers assure you that courting among new couples isnt all that rare Older couples 26 who have just started dating prefer to dine in privacy They often request tracks preorder wine bottles and even come and check in on the table they prefer to reserve in advance says Andy Chandani Proprietor of Bandrabased restaurants Tangy Tamarind and Banana Bar Afterwork unwinding often involves a drink or two Sixty percent of our Facebook poll respondents aged 19 to 30 said they would drink on their first date even if it were with a stranger Women dont slam down men for approaching them at a bar anymore says Pankil Shah Manager of Woodside Inn restobar at Colaba who has observed strangers lodge into conversation while waiting for their drinksu00a0Whats interesting though was that event manager at Poison and Bling nightclubs Vikram Mehta says men are still the ones footing the bill Ninety per cent of the time the men pay But chivalrys pretty much dead I dont see them holding doors pulling out chairs for women at all Vikram sharesYouth disillusioned with longterm commitmentsAt 19 Ruchita Tahiliani a BMM student from Mumbai and an instructor for a dance company doesnt have time for a relationship Innocent love has been drowned out by competitive goals Ruchita says shed rather use her energy to focus on her dance career and college assignments than invest in love You just dont get to live the way you want to unless you are single You become answerable she says in defence Among the working lot the flingcumcasualsexanddating bug is catching on rapidly If you look around most peers are disillusioned by longterm relationships and everybody is ordering fast food as 26 yearold media professional Ankit V puts it Instant gratification is what most are seeking in order to destress With casual flings there are fewer or no questions asked the next morning Thats what my peers tell me says Ankit one of the few in his gang of 10 to be involved in a serious relationship Where do the single in the city mingle If relationships today are bastardised by commitment issues and a lack of time singletons are in quandary over where to meet new and interesting people The bar would be an ideal place But unfortunately women are not all that approachable in Mumbai thinks 24 yearold Namit Bhatia The risk of rejection is way too high for men to try their luck with girls they dont know Speed Dating should merge with social networking sitesA 24 yearold who has organised speed dating events in the UK for Indians says such events must tie up with networking sites Since screening is not a fair method to deploy for a dating event it becomes easier to derive information through social profiles The photos help figure out the crowd you can expect Organisers should invite a different set of people each time based on definitive criteria For instance a speed dating event for all single Bandraites is a good idea Mumbais youth are dialing a fbuddyFirst coined by the makers of hit TV show Sex amp the City where an entire episode saw protagonist Carrie Bradshaw indulge in sex with a friend followed by a regular fun nostringsattached dinner or lunch the f buddy has most definitely walked down from the bridges of New York into bustling Mumbai Men and women who are friends have realised they are not ashamed to admit to their physical desires more so to a friend who they already share a comfort level with A 25 yearold assistant film director from Matunga who prefers to remain anonymous says he takes to a f buddy because he cant wait for the love of his life In such an arrangement nobody gets hurt and there are no expectations Plus the friendship isnt ruined because women have similar needs he saysAre you dating the right personIt depends on whether you are an Explorer Builder Negotiator or DirectorAnthropologist Helen Fisher has helped edating website Chemistrycom set up their personality questionnaire that predetermines the kind of person you should be dating as per your personality traits and chemicals in the body Fisher developed a theory that says human beings fall into 4 categories Negotiators Directors Explorers and Builders Plato came up with his own 4 types Artisans Guardians Idealists and Rational and then Aristotle and Galen did in 2nd century AD and were followed by Carl Jung Weve known about these types for hundreds of years but what Fisher has done is add the biological component to the studyHeres what Fisher saysNegotiators are powered by oestrogen are intuitive socially skilled imaginative and sympathetic Testosteronefuelled Directors are focused ambitious daring and independent Explorers are dopaminedriven risktakers who are spontaneous curious and adaptableSolid Builders have a lot of serotonin that makes them calm sociable conscientious and domestically oriented Who will be attracted to whom Builders will go for Builders Explorers will go for Explorers but Directors are attracted to Negotiators and vice versa Builders wont tolerate other types they are both traditional and managerial these are the 50year marriages Negotiators and Directors go for each other because they need each others skills The indecisive needs the decisive The toughminded needs the tenderhearted How to get along with each type You want to get along with a Director Ask him what he thinks You want to get along with an Explorer Ask him what he does You want to get along with a Builder Ask him who he knows And you want to get along with a Negotiator Ask him how he feels When Fisher did a word study of 178000 people on Chemistrycom she found the top words the four types use For the Explorer its adventure For the Builder its family For the Director its intelligence The top word for the Negotiator is passionThe Mid Day dating surveyWhere are you most likely to meet a datea A barclubdiscou00a0 20b At work 5c A friends house party 75How long do you wait after the first date before asking someone on a second onea 3 days 41b week 59c month 0How often have you approached somebody at a bara A few times 45b Never tried it 52c Pretty often 10What would you consider before giving out your number to a strangera What heshes dressed like attire 4b The company heshe is withu00a0 41c The way heshe talks 55Why do you on go on datesa To find a life partner 24b To network and make new friends 48c For casual distractions 21d To get laid 7What do you classify as a good datea When you can be yourself 55b When youve had a fascinating conversation with himher serious mental stimulation 31c When you land the opportunity for flirtatious fun 14How many dates do you think it takes before a relationship kickstartsa Two 14b Five 21c Constant dating for a month 65When was the last time you went on a datea Last weekend 34b Last month 31c Last year 27d Is getting drunk with a stranger called a date 8When was the last time you met someone remotely interestinga Last month 45b Last weekend 31c Last year 10d Cant remember 14Do you need to surprise your date with giftsa Yesu00a0 17u00a0 b No 83