“No men, it’s not about de small flat, it’s… see bossie, Dikuna men, I’m fully fed up men, fully fed up!”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
There was a whoosh of wind outside my door, a shadowy figure passed by, followed by a knock, then several knocks. As the door opened, there was a sharp burst of light… and a caped figure appeared — it was Lobo Lobo.
“Lobo Lobo what are you doing?”
“Dikuna men, I’m fully bored men, so I have developed a superhero persona. Plus, I am finding it more and more difficult to live inside my flat, it’s too small, clostrofobic blinking…”
“Is your flat too small?” I asked.
“No men, it’s not about de small flat, it’s… see bossie, Dikuna men, I’m fully fed up men, fully fed up!”
“What are you fed up of, Lobo Lobo?”
“See men I’m tired of who’s inside my flat — Gen Z and Gen Fee Fie Fo Fum and Gen Lee and Millenials… and I’m tired of my son Ronaldo and my dotter Cindy shott for Cinderella, and oll my nephews and neeces, Cajetan and Camelia and Carmelina and Candice and Copenhagen. Dey bleddy pile onto my house, wid all dere laptops and hard drives and soft drives and blueteeth and dese VR specs and speakers and playstation…”
“Why Lobo Lobo why, are you tired of them?”
“Arre, Dikuna men, bleddy hole hole day dey come over and are obsissed wid dis Aye Iye… whochyoucall Artificial Intelligence and den dis ChatGPT… and virtual reality. Dey talk sum udder language onlie. My dotter gives some command into de comp and suddinly Beyonce’s voice becomes hers… and dey get cheap trills. Arrey, dey don’t want to face the reality of life, everthing is an image-in de ole days, we didn’t want evryting to be spoon fed men, now it all has to be artificial, frankly its not Atrifical Intelligence its ‘Real Stoopidity’. And dey have no staying power men, wot is top of the pops today is ole hat by next week, chhe! Whats making me bald ragged every tree tree weeks dere is one trend or de udder, be it dose Action Figures in dat Studio Jiblee style…den deres sumtng what dey call dose dolls..haan Lala sumting… Lala Looloo Booo”
“Labubu Dolls?”
“Haaan ezzactly. Some Labubu Shabubu dolls,
Why are dey all making smaller versions of themselevs, why are they wantings tings to be 3D, are we so scared of being ourselves. Den de udder week, one new ting emerged in de internet, some term called Aural Farming.”
“I think the term is Aura Farming.”
“Arrey wot diff it makes, Dikuna men, aural, auto, Auroville, Arora, aura… basically it is some ting where dese younger people want to be cool and walk round de place with extra ‘swag’ men. So what’s de point men, every week toh deres one different different trend… fust dere was dis action figure — and now deres sumting called Nano Banana.”
“Oh yes I’ve heard of it,” I offered.
“See men, Nano Banana is where you a create 3D figurines of yourself, dis wochyoucall Nano Banana. So my Myrtle who is a caterer..you know dat na..so she has begun one whole new menu…she heard de name Nano Banana, which she liked, so she tolded me, ‘Hey men Lobo Lobo… enuff is enuff, I’m noving part time to Bugger Beach in Goa. My uncle Lordes Lobo lives dere he’s toh saying come come start a beach shack over here. so my Myrtle is telling me ‘dis Nano Banana is a nice catchy name, let’s call all de dishes with Nano. Nano Balchao, Nano Beef Curry, Nano Beef cutlass, Nano Pork Chilly Fry, Nano Squid butter garlic, Nano Vindaloo, and Nano Chorizo and Nano Jumbo Prawns and Nano Tandoori dishes and Nano Cashew feni…”
“And what does she plan to call the beach shack?”
“She’s calling it ‘Nano Banana Republic’, it will have a small attached hotel called ‘Labubu Lodge’,” he concluded. And proceeded to whoosh out of my flat.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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