Why do parents shrink from teaching their kids how to clean their bottoms? Maybe we need to deep dive into the Indian notions of purity and pollution
For most Indian parents, sex and bum-cleaning are subjects best left alone. Illustration by C Y Gopinath using AI
There are certain things you don’t talk about in polite company unless you want to be escorted to the exit. There are things we whisper, like telling someone their zipper is open or their breath smells a little off. We use cute euphemisms for excretory functions. We see men about dogs, we powder our noses, we spend a penny, we go wee-wee. Don’t ever say you want to urinate or else the party’s over for you.
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We use the restroom, we take care of business, we do a number two, we pinch a loaf, but heaven forbid you defecate. And shit we definitely do not. Ugh. Who does that?
So you could say I was truly gobsmacked when Justin, my Chinese-Australian student with Asperger’s syndrome, asked me point blank, “What is the best way to clean the butt after pooping?” Children with Asperger’s tend to say it as they see it, unfiltered and unedited.
His questions were exquisitely detailed, logistical and anatomical. When both toilet paper and a shower spray are available, in which order should they be used? A dry wipe followed by a wet clean?
How do you aim a jet of water horizontally at an opening that is accessible vertically?
Is it okay to use soap?
What if there’s no water? Is toilet paper alone enough? What if there’s only water? Is that good enough?
I could add my questions to these. What if you’re out in the open with a lota of water that you can not directly aim at the opening no matter how you contort yourself?
Justin and I spent the next hour immersed in the minutiae of post-defecation colo-rectal hygiene. He was riveted. This was vital information he had never received, not at school, not from his parents, not in textbooks.
Understanding why a loving Indian parent would shy away from teaching his kids how to clean their bottoms requires a deep dive into the odd Indian notions of purity and pollution, quite different from cleanliness and hygiene. Certain things, like shoes and certain castes, are deemed irredeemably impure; dealing with them will pollute you.
According to development economist Pravin Kishore, “Indians also view anything coming out of anal, urinary or genital orifices as impure and polluting.” Even taking one’s face close to the commode could be polluting. You’ll not find an Indian vomiting into the toilet.
Defecation is a notch lower than sex—not only inevitable and inescapable but malodorous and thoroughly yucky. The act of cleaning it alone would pollute the cleaning hand and the soap that was used; both would need washing later. Much better to teach children how to floss and brush their teeth.
For most Indian parents, sex and bum-cleaning are subjects best left alone. Their darling daughter will never learn that she can avoid urinary tract infections by wiping front to back.
I’ve put together this layman’s guide to the care, maintenance and upkeep of the bottom line, full of fun facts and little-known factoids.
The impure anus is the only part of your body you will never see in your lifetime, not even looking over your shoulder into a mirror. Since the wealthier among us will have self-heating commodes replete with multiple bidet options, including temperature and pressure control, we can leave them out of this enquiry. Our interest is in the have-nots and the what-nots.
A good starting point, suggested by Dr Haniraj Chulani, chief of colorectal surgery at Lilavati Hospital, is to note that animals do a pretty decent job, lowering their haunches and neatly expelling their wastes without the need for any further cleaning. That’s a benchmark.
1. Toilet paper alone cannot do the job. Imagine wiping your hands with tissue paper after eating chicken curry and rice with your hands, and you’ll get the logic. If using toilet paper, the recommended wiping movement, especially for girls, is front to back, and gently — this is sensitive, thin skin. Use a blotting movement rather than a wiping movement.
2. Water alone is sufficient. Dr Evan Goldstein, anal surgeon, is a champion of the no-wiping approach. “We all wipe so much, so what happens over time? People tear the skin. It gets irritated. It gets angry at us.” He proposes using water, which can clean without causing harm.
3. Soap is not recommended. Soap can mess up the biome, be allergenic and dry up the area.
4. Leave the place dry. Moisture can irritate the bottom line. For the same reason, wet wipes are not a good idea. “I think all the companies out there throwing wipes should be banned,” says Dr Goldstein. “I see 90 patients a week and one-third of them have wet wipe-induced issues.” Wet wipes can change the microbiome and upset the balance of good and bad bacteria there, leading to dermatitis and infections.
Some of you may be muttering that Gopinath is in uncharted waters today, venturing where better men fear to tread. For ye who doubt the sagacity of today’s unspeakable column, here’s wisdom from eminent gastroenterologist and toilet whisperer Dr Sameer Islam in a brisk YouTube video, viewable at https://youtu.be/ItFKEtEt4q4?si=whyEh8wPjAKyY5A_
Trust me, this man knows his shit.
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You can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopi@gmail.com
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The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper
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