The secret life of a Cookstagram chef

For breakfast this morning I recommend crisp golden crecircpes made from a fermented batter of pearly rice split chickpea split black gram and pigeon peas infused with essence of asafoetida from MazareSharif and flecked with coarsely ground dry red chillies and green chillies with green islets of Coimbatore curry leaves plucked fresh off the stalkThe crepes will be roasted on a hot stone griddle with virgin coldpressed peanut oil and served with a pesto of shallots Nilgiri garlic pods dried Guntur red chillies and protoMaldon salt all fried in coconut oil and mashed by hand in an ancestral mortarIf your response to that was ldquoWho talks like that Would you happen to have a simple dosa and chutneyrdquo then yoursquore in great company According to a live survey by me roughly 937 per cent of restaurantgoers are left addlepated and shellshocked by the convoluted food descriptions in modern menus Most Indian menus require a minimum doctorate in anthropology with geography as a subsidiaryWhat do you suppose would land on your table if you ordered a ldquoBurmese war coconut curried soup accompanied with the seven heavenrsquos additivesrdquo Available if yoursquore wondering at EastAsian Spice Trail or EAST at the Sahara HotelCare for an ldquoIndian bread of flour and egg with or without fenugreek made by rolling and tossing until paper thin before being fired on an inverted stone wokrdquo That ladies would bemdashabracadabramdasha roomali roti in its full gloryTodayrsquos menus cobbled together by coriander chefs and clumsy copywriters who consider anything with garam masala and chopped dhania a masterpiece kill food on paper before it is murdered on the plate To set the record straight no restaurant in India cooks anything overnight let alone maa ki dal Nothing is slowcooked and nothing is ldquohomemaderdquo no matter what the menu swears The butter in the dal makhani is definitely not ldquohomechurnedrdquoWe are in the era of the Cookstagram chef who knows that with the right smartphone and clever lighting she can make a boiled egg look like the last supper of a dying gourmet with a single parsley leaf perched atop the duomo and an instant Caribbean sunset in the background An exception by the way might be Deepa Ravirsquos food_for_nothing Instagram channel She focuses on the taste and lets her son Vedanta do the camera magicSuch exceptions aside itrsquos a lethal combinationmdashcontentfree gorilla words chosen for their ability to confound hungry diners combined with an offduty bottlewasherrsquos images made worldclass by his iPhone 13 Pro using computational photography He just aimed and clickedBut words on menus matter they can create a deep longing just as easily as they can kill it Dr Brian Wansink of Cornell University in a sixweek study of 140 diners found that wellwritten descriptions of menu items increased sales by about 27 per cent and left customers more satisfied with their mealIndian restaurant menus struggle with words swinging between florid and vapid verbose and cryptic In some quarters notably London stating a few key ingredients and leaving the rest to the imagination is considered sufficient The menu of Chourangi the cityrsquos newest restaurant will offer crisplymdashRailway Lamb Shank Curry Nutmeg black cardamom gingerYou have to do the flavour math yourself Too bad if black cardamom is a mystery to youNo one has captured the transcendental heights of a wellmade dish so perfectly as Sylvia Plath who described her lemon meringue thusmdashldquoBaked a lemon meringue pie cooled lemon custard and crust on cold bathroom windowsill stirring in black night and starsrdquoDavid Baker describing the hearty bouillabaisse fish stew in his book Vintage wrote ldquoIt can also work wonders on a broken hearthellip With a dash of cayenne and saffron even the most battered hearts can be restored with enough vigour to again brave the turbulent and stormridden waters of loverdquoOne of my favourites is Min Jin Leersquos gorgeous description of simple food waiting to be turned from nature to nurture in her classic Pachinko Walking past the kitchen her character notes a soup kettle ldquohalffilled with water cutup potatoes and onions waiting to be put on the firerdquo My mind cued put it on the fire and imagined what would emergeUntil you eat it every dish exists only in your mind as an expectation fed by those words on the menu Once consumed however a good meal changes your soul The best food alters moods creating a profound reluctance to leave the table even after all the food is gone Those are special moments and the Spanish have a special word for it sobremesa meaning ldquoover the tablerdquoSobremesa is when everyone at the table glowing with the pleasure of a wonderful meal made with love and consumed among friends sits around laughing and talking about life the universe and everything No one wants to leaveHere viewed from there C Y Gopinath in Bangkok throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai the city that raised him You can reach him at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper