The rulebook of second chances: Experts share tips to help divorced singles start over

A fresh start at love should begin with open and honest conversation. Representation pics/iStock

In the bestselling book, Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert spends much of her journey learning how to be alone after a painful divorce. But when love comes knocking again, the challenge is no longer finding someone - it is finding the courage to trust again. For people returning to dating after divorce, being alone can feel less like a choice and more like protection.

A recent survey conducted by Rebounce, a matchmaking app, among 9839 divorced singles, found that seven in 10 respondents said they have deal-breakers and non-negotiables they did not have during marriage, while six in 10 prioritise a "safe space" over chemistry. Nearly 46 per cent of previously married singles are recalibrating commitment. Psychologists Ketki Bagalkar and Chandni Akhenia explain how past experiences can influence boundaries and expectations.

People with past relationship trauma tend to shut down under intense arguments

Psychologists dissect if this is the ‘I'd rather be alone' syndrome or a wall for people to not get hurt the second time around. Akhenia suggests it is not a clinical syndrome or diagnosis, but a protective response. "After experiencing betrayal, rejection, conflict, or years of feeling emotionally unsafe, being alone can start to feel more predictable and peaceful than becoming vulnerable again," she says.

Chandni Akhenia

It can show up as losing interest when someone gets close, keeping things casual despite wanting companionship, or seeing disagreements as signs of dysfunction. To which Bagalkar adds, "If the previous relationship has ended on a negative note, it's likely to be aversive to any potential relationship due to the remnants of earlier experiences."

Let's rewrite rules

It all boils down to choosing clarity over overcorrection. Bagalkar explains, "Identifying what you can and cannot tolerate can help shape healthier non-negotiables. But fear should not dictate every decision. Ask: What hurt me? What did I learn? What would I do differently?"

Ketki Bagalkar

Safe with a new partner?

Support without becoming a therapist. A partner can offer patience and reassurance, but should not be expected to repair old wounds. A healthy boundary could be: "If an argument becomes disrespectful, I need us to pause and continue when we're calmer. An emotional wall is withdrawing whenever conflict appears. The difference is that a boundary tells someone how to have a relationship with you; a wall prevents the relationship from getting close enough to feel risky," adds Akhenia.

Re-thinking self protection

Akhenia adds, "The healthier goal is to process the experience so that the past becomes information rather than a blueprint for every future relationship." Identify these:
>> Identify the behaviour and patterns that hurt you
>> Recognise your emotional triggers and fears
>> Separate red flags from trauma responses
>> Seek therapy or structured intervention if needed

What sets the alarm bells off?

>> Betrayal: Can create hypervigilance
>> Emotional neglect: Can heighten sensitivity to being ignored
>> Constant criticism: Can make feedback feel like rejection
>> Abandonment: Can create an expectation that people will leave
>> Sudden change of tone over text: Can make the person get cold feet and activate traumas which have nothing to do with the current situation

60%
of women feel intimidated and look for a way out after learning a potential partner has a history of cheating

7 in 10
Have new deal-breakers or non-negotiables

6 in 10
Prioritise a "safe space" over chemistry

39% women and 32% men
no longer want to shoulder the emotional heavy lifting