Lobo Lobo and the stolen cup

Illustration/Uday Mohite

It was midnight, and I heard a big thump on my door. "Hey men, Dikuna, open fast no men… hurry up ya men, chhe… chal chal chal chal…"

I opened the door - my cable technician, Lobo Lobo, stood at my doorstep, out of breath, sweating, his jersey sopping wet. Most unusually, he held in his arms a large silver cup.

‘I think you'd better come inside", I suggested.

Lobo Lobo came in and put the heavy silverware down on a table.

"Now tell me why you're running like a mad person, dressed in a football jersey, holding a large silver cup in the middle of the night?" I enquired.

"Okay Dikuna men, let me start - see you know dat I am a footer specialist, I am like de Indian Zizou Zidane, so I have a football team in my Virar - also wid my contacts and influence, I have made a Football Super League called de ‘Big Bigger Biggest Bash League'. We have six teams, my team is de Virar Vikings FC - FC, as you know, stands for Football Club. De teams are all from our side onie; dere is de Nalasopara Ninjas FC, de Bhandup Bindaas Boys FC, de Mulund Mavericks FC, de Naigaon Nightriders FC, and de Mankhurd Maestros FC. So tonight was de finals betwin our team Virar Vikings and de Nalasopara Ninjas."

"Arrey men, Dikuna," he continues, "de NNs are a deadly team, but dey behave like ‘dadas'. All de time dey are doing ‘dadagiri', dey are pushing and shoving and fouling and swearing and tackling, and when de referee is showing de red card, dey are plucking out of his hands and tearing it up. Ufff men, dey are ruff and tuff, I tink so dey had bribed all de judges. Becoz none of dere players were being sent off, in spite of all dis bad behaviour and violent play. Anyways, to cut dis long story to short - after 90 minutes of play time, de two teams were locked at 1-1. In extra time de score stayed same - so den came wochyoucall de sudden death, what we call de penalty shootout - you know datna, Dikuna, each team gets five kicks each - so it was all down to me, the scores were all evens-stevens. Dere goalie is one saat foot two inch ka clock tower, his name is Bakhtawar Bhambawle. The tension was socko men, it was all up to me. I toh gave one ‘hool' to dat goalie, he dived one way and I should have lobbed de ball in. But by mistake I kicked de ball over de goalpost - shayyy - and we lost!"

"So that's sad bad news, Lobo Lobo, I can see why you are looking so stressed out. But it does beg the question: if your team lost, why are you carrying the victors cup?"

"Men, Dikuna, de ‘kahaani' doesn't end dere. See after de match de time had come for bot teams to shek hands.

Arrey men, such bleddy rude dey are, we all lined up to shake dere hands and dey refused, just flatly refused, in fact dey gave us dirty looks, men!"

"That's quite unpleasant is it not?" I asked.

"Bossie I got damn bald ragged. I have a simple philosophy, I believe in de spirit of the game - if you have a ‘panga' wid de opposition, den don't play onlie. But if you play, den it is common curtesy to aknowlige, and dose buggers, dose Nalasopara Ninjas, dey just ignored and walked away, even do dey had won…"

"So what did you do then, Lobo Lobo?"

"Wot else to do… I was just seeing red, smoke was coming out of my ears… I picked up de winners cup and just started running and running till I came to your house."

"Hmmm, so you've just stolen the cup, Lobo Lobo, what do you intend to do?"

"I have not stolen de cup, men Dikuna, it is my tournament, I have paid for de cup, I bought it from Carvalho and Sons, so I'm keeping it. If de opposition has no
manners, dey don't deserve it," he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com