Lobo Lobo, monorail and Mogambo

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo, my cable TV technician came over, drenched to the bone, his trousers rolled up over his ankles, his umbrella destroyed, all the spokes sticking out, he was also carrying a surfboard. He looked like a wet rag, along with him were a pack of strays all soaked, shaking the rain water off.

"Lobo Lobo, come in I say, you need a towel and a hot cup of tea… what happened?"

"Wot to tell you men Dikuna, I chose the wettest day to come and fix your cable, see from Virar, I have to take two trains and the monorail to get to you, but de tracks are flooded, and de blasted passengers wouldn't allow de dogs onto the Rail, den de blasted monorail broke down only, serves dem right for not allowing dese poor canines!"

"But why are there this pack of stray dogs with you, Lobo Lobo?"

"See men, Bossie, I am like de protector of all dese poor strays in my building in Virar. Dere are dese six seven buggers, dey stay down de compound, I named dem after dose 70s Hindi movie villains, so please meet dem, say hello to Gabbar, and Teja, and Dilawaar, and Shakaal, and Kaancha Cheena and Mogambo. Dey are damn frisky, and are friendly men, but peepuls are tinking dey are ferocious, dey are scared of catching rabies and dat dey will bite… Chee - dey follow me everywhere, I am de Pied Piper of Virar, you could say. Myrtle cannot stick de sight of dem so dey wait for me, I feed dem leftovers from her catering service, bhekti fish, and balchao, and bibinca, and xacuti and biryani men. De stray dog problem, dat is in Delhi, it will come here soon, so I was bringing dem here to vaccinate dem. I am like dat Doctor Dolittle fellow, de blasted pigeons dey follow me to feed dem, dey were also named by me, whole flock dere were. I named dem Sanjoo, Papoo, Rajoo, Kaloo, Laloo, Tuloo, Maloo, Salloo, and Deelo - den again neighours complained so I had to stop feeding dem.

Uffff, Dikuna men, I'm toh fully fed up of Mumbai monsoon, and Mumbai city when its flooded, and de awtorities, wen dey tell you its red alert, dat same dey it is full sunshine only, wen its like last Toosday, so much rain dey hardly give notice, "ow you meant to stay prepared…

So, my family are deciding dat we have to be prepared wid water transportation, all dese four wheelers and two wheeler dey end up floating in de water.

So we have decided we need new means of water transportation to travel in de Mumbai floods. So my one brudder engest fellow of my mudders fifth brudder, he lives now in Okkland Noo Zeeland, he is one esspert in white water rafting, he tolded me "Hey unkil men, we can start one water rafting course and rental service, so you can have a share-a-raft from VT and Churchgate, four people can rent. If you have little more, premium, wochyoucall, you can hire - like how we have Uber and Uber black, dis raft has a motor attached to it.

Den my udder cuzzin sister, Maria Magdalena Mabel Machado her name is, she's learnt how to do dat kayaking, so she and her brudddr Christiano Chappelle Machado, theyre telling, ‘Unkil Teo, mate, ‘ow ‘bout we begin a kayaking service?'"

"Quite inventive Lobo Lobo - but why are you carrying a surfboard?"

"Dikuna men, I now carry around dis surfboard wid me, see men you cannot tell wen de city will be flooded, so I say might as well we have water transportation like dat Venice, be prepared, never know wen you will require to surf or swim. Mumbai wid our drainage system in such a mess, dis surfboard allows me to travel freely. I will be starting surfing classes soon - the company will simply be called SURF - Swim Under Rain or Flood."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com