Sorry, not sorry

The Internet’s scandal cycle’s always the same: someone messes up, there is an uproar, and then the culprit issues an apology. PIC/ISTOCK

If you, like this writer, have been chronically online for years and years, you would know there isn't a time quite like a scandal on the Internet. The cycle's the same: someone messes up, there is an uproar, the Internet declares that we have caught yet another culprit, and then the culprit issues an apology.

But the apology falls flat.

Something similar happened last week when Subko Coffee issued a bill for a customer. The cashier at a Bengaluru outlet wrote ‘Little fat black shirt' in the customer detail section of the bill. Subko Coffee then issued an apology on Instagram. Now, this apology is under the Internet's scanner for sounding "too AI-generated". It makes us ask: What makes for a good Internet apology?

Not too long ago, it was the Notes app apology that did the rounds. Now, saying sorry needs a strategy. And if you're going to have one, perhaps the first rule is: Don't sound like a robot.

Subko Coffee had to issue an apology after they described a customer as ‘Little fat black shirt'. PIC/INSTAGRAM@SUBKOCOFFEE

"It's 100 per cent AI-generated," says a marketing expert who chose to remain anonymous, "There are ways to use AI and not get caught. And I feel like a brand like Subko knows this really well."

The marketeer points out that the irony is particularly sharp because of what Subko Coffee has built its identity around. "It's a brand that focuses a lot on branding. They really care about how they write about and describe their products," they say, "If you look at their social media, you would see their focus on humans, handmade, and craft. And this is a terrible decision, just to let this out in a panicked state."

That panic is visible in the apology itself. "It feels like they did not do any work on the AI apology," the marketing expert says. Worse, the tone came across as condescending. "Because they said, ‘It's not viral yet, but we are still addressing it.'"

And there lies another rule of the Internet apology: do not talk down to the people you are apologising to.

Xerxes Ranina

Lawyer Xerxes Ranina, who's looked over many of these apologies, agrees. For him, the basics of a good apology include "honesty, transparency" and ensuring "you're not talking down to people, you're treating them as equals. That sort of tone and tenor."

What do lawyers look for in an opology, we wonder. "From a legal point of view, we would be worried about what the implications [of the apology] are. What are the accusations? What are we admitting to having done? If certain admissions are made, is that going to take away a potential defence?"

That calculus becomes more complicated when the harm is serious. "If the stakes are higher, then you have to be very careful about what you're admitting," Ranina says. A careless line in an Instagram post could, in some cases, make it harder to argue a different version of events later.

But that legal caution can also create the kind of vague, evasive apology that the Internet loves to tear apart.

So, what makes the perfect apology? "I don't think there is a right way to do it," the marketeer says, "I think it's really complicated." The expert remembers the era of the apology-note trend, when brands were putting out apology graphics almost as a format in themselves. "In the era of hooks and optimising for the algorithm, what even is a good apology? Like, it does not matter."

"I think a good apology is when your core loyal audience accepts you and forgives you, but that never happens immediately."

"Something peaks. You try to shut it down with all your power. Then you're quiet for a bit. And then things sort of move on," says the marketeer.

For the people on the brand side, however, there is also room for a little grace. "People working on the brand side, whether social media marketers or founders, everyone is human. These things happen."