I want us to get back again, but...

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I was in an on-again off-again relationship for two years until we both decided to end it permanently. It became tiring because neither of us knew what we wanted, so the decision felt like it was for the best. It has been a year since I last saw this person, but I recently ran into him and he asked me out. We had a long conversation about what went wrong, what we should have done differently, and why we let go of something important. It feels as if he wants us to get back together, but part of me worries that we are getting into the same pattern because of how comfortable we are with each other. It will be great for a while until it isn't. I miss him and want this to work, but I also don't want to find myself in the exact same place I was a year ago. What do I do?
If neither of you has an inclination to dig deeper into why this isn't working, getting back together another time won't resolve anything. If you both miss each other and can identify why it hasn't worked all this time, there may be a chance to make specific decisions that allow your relationship to grow. Given your history, however, it may be better to take this slow and not commit to anything until you have ironed out your differences. Is there anything you haven't discussed that you believe could help? Have you tried to find some clarity about what this relationship means to you both, and what you want out of it for yourselves? Have you had an honest and open discussion about why it has ended whenever it has? Getting back together may be great, but there will be a limit to how many times you can both cope with the pain of this ending. Why not meet a few more times, keep talking, and commit to something only when you are both strong enough to put in the work required?

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