Diet Hard

"What does LLB stand for, Theo?" "Lobo Loves Beef."

Diet Hard

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Rahul da Cunha So, this morning my cable guy Lobo Lobo, hobbled into my home looking like Bruce Willis in the last scene of Die Hard (sans the blood). "Why so... uhm… serious, Theo?" I asked. "I'm damn hungry, men. I'm on a bleddy diet!" he exclaimed "A diet, why?" I queried this scarecrow of a man.

"Arrey, I'm socko angry. We are in de church some Sundays ago, and de priest Fadder Lancelot, he has de cheek to tell my Myrtle, 'Thelonious is looking quite prosperous. Wot you're feeding him?' Arrey wot wot ting she replies, dat I have a bleeding ponch, and I have to remove it. So, I'm on a diet," he yelled, pointing at the protrusion stemming out of his midriff.

"Okay, what about some cardio, Lobo… burn the calories off, I say, don't starve." "See men, I can't exercise only. I tried going to a workout once, dere only in our Virar, a place called Gonzy's Gym and I tripped over a dumbbell, so I scrapped dat idea. All dis pumping-shumping weights is not my ting."

"So what's the food routine?" " Arre Dikuna, wot to tell, have tried many many diets but nuttin works, all bunkus." "What about the Atkins Diet?" "Wid de bleeding Atkins, you become mo fatkins, men… no no no!" "And the low-carb diet?"

"Mad or wot men. Arrey, I'm a maka pao, men… we have a carbohydrate in our name — pao, pao, how I'll not eat pao, men… whole day I'll only eat poke poke and more poke. How much chorizo to eat men widout de bread? Or rice? Wot I'll eat my fish curry wid, huh? How dey tink of dese dumb diets men? Arrey, if dere was low carb diets in de time of our Lord, dere would have been no Last Supper. Wot dey would have had dere wine wid men? Imagine our Jesus Christ telling his disciples, 'There's no bread to represent my body, because I'm not eating carbs at night!'"

"Okay, I get the point, what about the vegan diet?" "Do I look like a cow men, Mr Rahul... do I look like I'm de man who can cut out everting from his life? Arrey, blinking vegan means you can't have not just no meat, but no dairy… no cheese, you have to put soya milk in your chai."

"Okay, Lobo, how about the paleo one?" "Dikuna, do you know that in paleo we are asked to eat what our 'hunter-gatherer ancestors' ate. So my ancestor used to hunt for pigs men. So wot I'll eat?" "Okay what about turning vegetarian for awhile. Eat greens, get some starch into your food, some roughage..."

"Arrey men, how can I turn vegetarian? Till now, the only veg I ate was the potato in my poke vindaloo." I was not getting weary giving suggestions. "Okay, finally, Lobo Lobo, I'm saying what about intermittent fasting?" Lobo went white. "Huh fasting? I won't fast, men!" "No no, Lobo... intermittent fasting. It's easy." "No men, Dikuna, nutting is easy. Anyway I have my own diet, it's called LLB. It will make me quite unpopular in Mumbai."

"What does LLB stand for, Theo?" "Lobo Loves Beef."

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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