<img style="float: left;" title="C Y Gopinath " src="http://images.mid-day.com/images/images/2023/jun/C-Y-Gopinath_e.jpg" alt="C Y Gopinath " width="150" height="92" />Aaa gaya vapas?&rdquo; said the swacch sulabh toilet bowl in its government-created snarky voice as I moved into position.
&ldquo;What does it look like?&rdquo; I said, taking aim.
Since early 2024, when the Indian government integrated ChatGPT-based AI technologies into all public utilities and amenities, not only are big brother&rsquo;s eyes and ears everywhere but also now its wagging tongues.
Worst of all, thanks to button-sized cameras and earbud-sized speakers, toilet bowls can see you and make highly personal, sometimes highly offensive, comments. It has become impossible to avoid gossipy, malicious chatbots in public spaces. They&rsquo;ll ambush you in ATM booths, ticket vending machines, instant passport photo stalls, airline self-check-in kiosks&mdash;and yes, swacch sulabh shauchalays.
&ldquo;Degrade me, please,&rdquo; snivelled the pee-pot. &ldquo;Rain down on me, boss. Make my day. That&rsquo;s what I&rsquo;ve been trained to love.&rdquo;
I said nothing and closed my eyes. I had been in containment mode all through the suburban train ride and now wanted nothing more than complete relief.
&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not fooled by your vulgar pre-programmed pissoir bakwas,&rdquo; I said. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sure you have no idea who I am.&rdquo;
&ldquo;Ah, Gopinath, Gopinath,&rdquo; chided the AI toilet bowl. &ldquo;How long can you hide? I have instant access to the unique urinary signatures of millions of Indians. Yours is like a storybook. It reveals everything.&rdquo;
I knew that even as I streamed, data from instant urinalysis was being cross-referenced in real-time against my PAN card and Aadhaar card, and then enriched with recent GPS and WhatsApp data. In 2024, nothing is secret or sacred.
&ldquo;So you see my future in my urine?&rdquo;
&ldquo;More past than future, if I&rsquo;m honest,&rdquo; said the pissoir. &ldquo;I&rsquo;d say you probably glugged far too much Sula last evening. There are notable telltale traces of ethyl glucuronide in your output. I&rsquo;m guessing you were probably there without your significant other.&rdquo;
I felt caught with my pants down.
&ldquo;Ahhh,&rdquo; said the ceramic pot slyly. &ldquo;Your silence speaks volumes.&rdquo;&nbsp;
While I fumed, it let loose another dart. &ldquo;Your aim is still appalling, dear man. You&rsquo;re all over the place, like a leaky garden hose.&rdquo;
I left in a hurry, glad to be rid of the chattering bowl. Now I had to find a friendly ATM to withdraw some lunch money.&nbsp;
&ldquo;It&rsquo;s you again! My favourite customer!&rdquo; whooped the AI-powered ATM machine, in a husky voice. &ldquo;A supremely happy birthday to you! Aaj ka sauda?&rdquo;
&ldquo;Not my birthday,&rdquo; I snapped. &ldquo;Last time you expressed condolences at my dog&rsquo;s death&mdash;and I don&rsquo;t have a dog.&rdquo;
India&rsquo;s ATMs are not easily shamed. They also suffer from serious KYC database malfunction and often hallucinate important events in customers&rsquo; &nbsp;lives.&nbsp;
&ldquo;Every day is a birthday, Gopinath,&rdquo; improvised the machine. &ldquo;Everyday is a new opportunity to make money.&rdquo;
&ldquo;Money and greed are destroying India,&rdquo; I said, inserting my debit card. The ATM purred in deep satisfaction. &ldquo;You have no idea how good that feels.&rdquo;
ATMs are powered to flirt with customers. The longer they flirt, research says, the more transactions customers will make, often investing money they hadn&rsquo;t intended to.
&ldquo;What do you think of karelas?&rdquo; asked the machine.
&ldquo;They&rsquo;re bitter,&rdquo; I said.
&ldquo;You&rsquo;re wrong. Karelas are the next big thing. My last ATM customer is offering 14 per cent interest to anyone who invests in his karela plantation in Khandesh.&rdquo;
&ldquo;Not interested,&rdquo; I snapped, concluding my transaction and waiting for my card back.
&ldquo;But you have so much money! Come back!&rdquo; the ATM machine pleaded as I walked away. &ldquo;Or at least insert that debit card again, please.&rdquo;
I smirked. It always feels good to get the better of one of the government&rsquo;s chatbots.
&ldquo;Wait!&rdquo; cried the ATM machine, trying one last desperate strategy. &ldquo;Have you considered the future of katals?&rdquo;
&ldquo;And where may I take you today, Gopiji?&rdquo; asked the number 3 lift in Express Towers deferentially.
&ldquo;You see me every day and you still don&rsquo;t know which floor I work in?&rdquo;
&ldquo;I do,&rdquo; said the lift eagerly. &ldquo;But we are programmed to make conversation. Studies show customers feel better when they are spoken to by a pretty girl on their way to work.&rdquo;
&ldquo;You&rsquo;re not a girl and you&rsquo;re ugly as sin,&rdquo; I said, stepping into the lift. &ldquo;Now take me to the 8th floor.&rdquo;
The door didn&rsquo;t close. A long moment passed and the lift said, in a lower voice, &ldquo;I strongly recommend 23.&rdquo;
&ldquo;I said 8. Now move.&rdquo;
&ldquo;Do something different today,&rdquo; urged the lift, whispering. &ldquo;Try 23. They say they have pretty data analysts there.&rdquo;
&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll complain about you,&rdquo; I said.
&ldquo;What about 17 then?&rdquo; the lift offered. &ldquo;The bank floor? Ask for Cynthia the teller and tell her I sent you. Amazing chassis she has.&rdquo;
I said nothing.
&ldquo;That&rsquo;s it then!&rdquo; said the AI-powered lift. &ldquo;The database tells me that in the last 30 minutes, you&rsquo;ve snapped at a toilet bowl, walked away in anger from an ATM machine and now you&rsquo;re being disrespectful to a lift. I&rsquo;ve got four words for you.&rdquo;
I waited.
&ldquo;Take the stairs, mister.&rdquo;
You can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopi@gmail.com
Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com
The views expressed in this column are the individual&rsquo;s and don&rsquo;t represent those of the paper
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Since early 2024, when ChatGPT-based AI was integrated into Indian public utilities, it’s become impossible to avoid chatty urinals, ATM machines and their ilk

The chatty chatbots are coming

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The chatty chatbots are coming

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