‘Polyamorous people don’t speak of jealousy enough’

On the opposite end of the jealousy spectrum lies ‘compersion’, or the joy one feels when their partner receives love and pleasure from another partner. Representational pics/iStock

So how do we manage jealousy? In my own life, I have decided that I will not be afraid of this painful emotion. When I feel jealous, I follow a simple routine. I first try and understand the reason for it and accept it without trying to "conquer" it. I let it flow through me and settle. The heartburn is horrible - a bit like drinking neem juice - but it's okay; it's good for health. I attempt to remember the love I experience with that partner, and recall that I know their heart is large enough to accommodate more than one person. I have found that the best way to cope is to restrain myself from blaming the partner, and instead, telling myself, "This is how I am feeling and this feeling is my responsibility". I know that I can also ask for my partner's help. So sometimes, I share my feelings with my partner, if I feel they will listen with patience. One of the worst ways to experience jealousy is to do so without any protection or safety net from the partner. Again, it is important that we share this feeling without accusation, and while they should listen with care, they should do so without feeling guilty. This depth of trust comes with time and communication. Every time I have come out of one of those hellish spiralling jealousies, I have felt liberated and alive.

There are ways to support a partner's jealousy too, especially when they are not good at handling jealousy on their own, or have not had enough practice doing so. Listening to their fears and fumes without judgement is the first and hardest step. They may doubt our love, disregard all the good things in the relationship, blame us for feeling miserable, or burden us with guilt - it is important to listen with kindness and not react to the outpouring of emotions. Reassurances sound very empty at this time. But after the haze of it has passed, I have found partners remembering and acknowledging my support. The worst way to help a lover is to get all rational on them at this point, or justify one's actions, or even recall agreements one has made in the relationship that do not have any space for jealousy. Jealousy is not a rational affair; it is an emotion that needs to play itself out, especially by those who are new in the craft of managing it. Waiting patiently, with a ready and steady shoulder for leaning on, is the best way for a partner to walk through this difficult region.

I continue to feel jealous in some situations, but its impact is much reduced now, as I continue to train myself to respond differently. Polyamorous people don't speak of jealousy enough. They should. It shows our vulnerable side. That way, we won't be seen as freaks but as folks struggling through it all, just like our monoamorous friends.

Being monoamorous, however, does not protect one from jealousy. In the worst-case scenario, people end up having secret affairs that don't stay secret. They burst into the lives of unsuspecting victims with copious amounts of toxin aided by silly mistakes like unmindfully picking up a spouse's phone when a secret lover calls. And jealousy wages a devastating war on the relationship. In the best-case scenario, where partners actually keep to their promise of not being intimate with others, there are still strong jealousies about parents, siblings, friends, or even hobbies that engage the partner. I have seen people being jealous of their partners spending time with a whole range of things and people, including motorcycles, bee hives, work colleagues, and even their own children! Intimacy, like love, can have different meanings for different people. The ruins of these various jealousies are all quite overwhelming. The only way to live with jealousy is to practise all the different ways in which polyamorous people negotiate their relationship with it.

Is it possible to have "clean love" - devoid of jealousy or expectations, like Buddhism preaches? I am sure it is possible for some people if they practise hard enough. But for me, the struggle is a reality. I cope on some days and I don't on others. But each day I accept working with jealousy a part of my practice.

Compersion and co-lovers

One of the wonders, and also demands of resisting conventional ways of living is that you must explore new ways of articulating where there is no language known to you. In my search for the opposite of jealousy, I stumbled upon the word ‘compersion'. It is understood as the joy someone feels when their partner receives love and pleasure from another partner. The partner of a partner is known as a "metamour" in polyamorous parlance, but I like the word "co-lover" better; so that's what I use. Compersion is the Holy Grail that is pursued eagerly by many of us in polyamory. But between jealousy on one end of the spectrum and compersion on the other, most of us find ourselves somewhere in the middle, hopefully working our way towards compersion. But even the work in progress is hard. "I am happy for my lover who is enjoying a holiday with another lover" is not a thought that's easy to internalise, accept, or exercise. However, rationally, if one contemplates on what love, even in its most conservative sense, is professed to be, it is being "happy for the one you love". The idea of compersion only stretches this to include the "co-lovers" in the mix. But emotionally, it takes a lot of work.

In my case, I have noticed that it works differently for different co-lovers. In places where my own insecurities are higher, or for some reason, I don't like the co-lover much, it is harder for me to move towards compersion. But where I feel comfortable because my relationship with the co-lover is that of trust and mutual friendship, or my lover enables a process of reassurance that I can depend on, I can move towards compersion with more ease. So, it all depends on the person's own mental state and feelings about the self, relationship with the lover, and understanding with the co-lover. Maintaining relationships is so much like baking - the right ingredients, temperature, and time are delicately balanced to create wonders. But any one thing amiss can be disastrous. One needs to listen patiently and hold hearts with gentleness.

Excerpted with permission from All Our Loves: Journeys with Polyamory in India by Arundhati Ghosh, Aleph Book Company