How do I ask him if he is gay?

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I have been married for a little over four years and am beginning to suspect that my husband is not heterosexual. He has no interest in sex, and hasn't for almost two years, and I think I know him well enough now to see that he is harbouring feelings for men. I don't have a problem with this at all, but I want him to acknowledge it and tell me how he feels because this has a massive impact on my life as well as our future together. We have no children, and I am happy to let him go if this isn't a fulfilling relationship but there is no way for me to broach the subject. If I say something, I'm afraid he will just shut down and tell me that I'm wrong. He is afraid to be honest. What should I do? It's affecting our marriage in all kinds of ways, but he doesn't seem to notice.
It's not easy for everyone to accept their sexuality or come to terms with how they feel, because we don't live in a society that is as accepting as it pretends to be. Your husband may or may not be gay, but whether he chooses to acknowledge it depends upon factors you may have no understanding of. Lack of physical intimacy will harm your marriage in all kinds of ways, of course, so it may make sense to suggest counselling to address that. Speaking to a professional may allow him to confront his feelings and may make it easier for him to open up. You can also tell him why this is damaging to you and let him know that you're willing to listen whenever he feels ready to talk about it. If nothing changes, you may have to take things into your own hand and make a decision that's right for you and your future, with or without him. This is not easy, but there will come a time when you won't be able to put it off.

The inbox is now open to take your most carnal and amorous queries. Send your questions on email to lovedoc@mid-day.com