I’m not so sure we should marry

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I am a 43-year old man and have been in a relationship with a younger woman for five years. Our families are aware of this and don't have a problem, and we have been happy with this arrangement. We live separately but spend a lot of time with each other, and she recently suggested marriage which made me wonder if it could ruin everything. I believe everything works with us precisely because we are not married, and don't have any hold over each other. We understand each other, have our own expectations, and are perfectly okay with the way things are. I believe she is saying this only because she is nervous about getting older and I understand but am not sure it's the right approach. How do we find out what the best way forward is?
You have to try and match each other's expectations a little better, because it seems as if you already have a relationship that works very well. The label of marriage, as an institution, simply codifies something that has already existed and thrived for a while. It may be simply your interpretation of it that makes you believe things will change. A marriage licence doesn't automatically mean two people must suddenly have a hold over each other or change how they treat each other, because these are within your control. Ask her why she feels this way, look at it from her perspective, and talk about why you have your misgivings. Given that you both understand each other so well, it shouldn't be hard to arrive at a middle path. Having said that, a relationship that doesn't evolve as the people in it do, is also one that risks becoming stagnant. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel, nor is there anything wrong with her wanting something more tangible as she gets older. What happens next simply depends upon how you feel about each other.

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