Dr Love with Mid-Day: After 20 years, he wants to end it...

Illustration/Uday Mohite

After 20 years of being with someone, he says he no longer loves me and wants to separate. I am devastated and don't know how I will get on with the rest of my life. We are closely intertwined because of how well we know each other, and I can't imagine trying to build this kind of relationship with anyone else in the future. I have tried everything to get him to reconsider but he is adamant and says he has thought about this carefully and is sure he is making the right decision. He says he has wanted to do this for a few years now and has only just found the courage to make the move. How do I manage? What should I do now?
This is obviously a painful decision because the end of any relationship always is, let alone one that has survived as long as yours has. Nothing can work if it isn't mutual though, so you may have to take some time to understand that this is no longer someone who wants to be in your life. Moving on may seem impossible and may well be one of the hardest things you will have to do, but there doesn't appear to be an option if he isn't willing to reconsider his decision. Be kind to yourself, accept that there will be a lot of pain to process and overcome, and try dealing with this one day at a time. It is a terrible cliché, but grief really is something that loses its power only with time. Keep that in mind every day and hope for the best.

I still love someone and want to be friends after we end this relationship, but he says it won't work. What should I do?
There's nothing you can do if your partner doesn't want to stay friends. He may change his mind in time, of course, but all you can do until that happens is accept this because he is allowed to make this decision.

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