Dr Love with Mid-Day: We need to get over traumatic pasts...

Illustration/Uday Mohite

My girlfriend and I have a troubled relationship because we can't get over our individual traumatic pasts. We know this is a problem and are speaking to therapists, but we also know this is not sustainable because we won't be able to resolve anything unless we work on it for years. We love each other but the pressure is creating rifts between us, and I don't know how much longer we will be able to stay together. I wish there was some way of saving this though because I know we are meant for each other. It's not our fault that we have issues that can't be fixed overnight. Should we break up and meet in a year to see if we can try again?
Mental health is critical and can have an impact on any relationship, so it's great that you both have access to the help you need. The question of ending this and trying again in a year really depends upon what you and your girlfriend want, how committed you are to trying and saving it, and how realistic you think this plan is given that things aren't close to being resolved anytime soon. If you both agree to meet a year from now, there's nothing wrong with hoping for the best, but you have to accept the possibility of it not working out then either. Why not have an honest chat about where things stand, and ask yourselves if you can try being more patient with each other for a year instead? If that seems impossible, you can accept that this relationship isn't working in the current scenario.

I want a romantic boyfriend who plans surprises, but he doesn't take this seriously and thinks I am frivolous. How do I change his behaviour?
If he is dismissing your genuine expectations from a relationship as frivolous, he isn't giving you the respect or space you need, and this points to a larger problem that is not being addressed at the moment.

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