Intimacy is like a chore for her...

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I have been with a girl for almost a year, and she always gets angry with me when I try and spice up our sex life. She says there's nothing wrong with the way things are, and it feels as if she is being delusional because our periods of intimacy are almost like ticking off boxes. She is intimate only because she thinks it's required of her, not because she wants it. I am always made to feel like the bad person, and it adds a lot of guilt to how our relationship has evolved. I know she loves me, and I want to be with her too, which is why this is such a crucial aspect of our lives that she refuses to take seriously. What can I tell her or do to make her change how she approaches this issue?
Intimacy is an important aspect of any relationship and should be treated as such. Your partner may struggle to have a conversation about it, which is okay, but she needs to acknowledge how you feel about it because guilt won't help either of you evolve as a couple. If she isn't willing to talk about this, ask if she will be comfortable opening up to a counsellor, because neither of you may know how to approach it. It's not the end of your relationship, but it is a sign that this is a hurdle that can't be ignored. It has implications not just for how you communicate, but whether you can both be honest about your expectations from each other, and what you want the future to look like. Speak to her about this need for honesty, ask if she wants to address it at all and, if she still insists that everything is fine, you may have to accept that this is a problem that will only get worse. At that point, you may have to reset your expectations or ask yourself some difficult questions about whether this relationship is giving you what you want.

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